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View Full Version : is it wrong to stop talking to your mother?


Lauren_Taylor
December 4th, 2016, 05:29 AM
I went through domestic abuse and now I am a major crime victim. throughout life I lost everything I had, including friends and family. I lost majority of my teen years being beaten and not protected. My mother has always was this type of person to commit schemes and fraud in order to get herself out of trouble. when I was coming up, DHS stayed in my home. she would bring in man after man and I would have to deal with them trying to hit her or in the middle trying to break up a violent fight. The police stayed getting called to the house because she would call them on me in order to stay with the man. she would say " I need counseling or I am trying to kill myself", she would file false reports on me without me knowing and I would have to continuously come to court and see her drop the case each and every time.


She would call the counselors behind my back telling them stories such as im depressed or I need to be on medication without my knowledge. I was in elementary school and she tried to force me to go get a SSI check. She would tell me to pretend like I am crazy. Still young, she took my father to court and told me to say he's not doing anything for me so she can get a child support check. My father did not come see me the entire time during the court battle when I was young. My father did everything for me, she lied to get money from him. I grew up so angry and now I am old enough to realize this is not my fault. I missed majority of my childhood traumatized and moving constantly because of men. A few years ago we moved in a house after a FBI drug operation because of the guy she was dating. I slept in the room of a guy who killed over 5 people. we moved constantly because she thought this guy had money.

I had family members who would help me and turn around and say I stole their social security number once they didn't have the money to pay it back.. Nobody knew what it was like going through domestic abuse, losing everything you have. I now find myself being a victim of a major crime again. a detective basically stated she need to be charged. the court declared me as a victim of the state. my mom would help me and call companies years later saying I stole her social security number. She cosigned for my first car that I did not even want behind my back without my knowledge. She tried to say I stole her SSN and did it, but her signature is on the paperwork. I even offered to help her with her bills. I gave her 200 dollars and she lied about what she did what the money. I gave her money to pay her cable bill, and she told me that the cable bill already been paid and she spent it on food. I lived a different life than everybody else. I am a major crime victim and my life just now being shedded into light. I had the police constantly called on me because I did not know why me as a person changed. I did not know why I was so angry and did things I never did. She would tell bail bonders that I needed help bad, I talk to myself, and etc. I had family members who volunteered to help and changed it on me. Everything I did in life ended disastrous each time. I was never able to pay any of my bills because of me being in constant court or running into hiding. I was never able to keep a constant job because I was traumatized since I was being beaten. She brought many men into the house. Last year, my mother pulled a gun on me threatening to kill me. The officers said its her house and she could do what she want. I would be in different cities and she would sneak and file a report without me knowing at all. each time, she would go to court and say "she s doing better, you can drop it"

Freshman year of college, I encountered domestic abuse and retaliation for years in court cases. I got my first apartment during college and she helped me. she would get credit cards, or cable accounts in her name and lie about it years later stating I stole her SSN number to get her out of trouble. Someone contacted her asking did I put a ATT account in her name and she told them no. ATT have her on recording along with me stating that she gave them permission.

ClaraWho
December 4th, 2016, 05:51 AM
I appreciate you just want to vent a lot of this, but I will skip to what is relevant to my reply. It sounds like you have experienced a lot of situations that were beyond your control, that you have been struggling just to keep up with. But everything is in the past. You are a different person now than you were then. The life you choose to carve out for yourself is there for the taking.

Nobody can tell you whether to stop talking to her or not. That's a decision only you can make. Is this person nurturing, supportive and having a positive influence in your life? Are they helping or hindering you from who/what/where you want to be?

Your life can be as different as you allow it to be. Change your mindset from 'I am a victim' because that makes you a VOLUNTEER victim. You are allowing yourself to play that role. Work on your mentality, let go of the past mistakes - if you wouldn't do that now, you are convicting an innocent person. You say you moved to a different city, that sounds like a great fresh start, but surely that only works if you don't tell her where you are going?

You have other options if you want to reinvent your life. You could change your name by deed poll. If you act how you want to be, that slowly becomes your reality - fake it until you make it.

If you need help letting the past go, therapy might help. Just be careful you are always thinking forward, not backward. Not 'all of this happened and it was so bad', but 'all of this happpened and now it is over, gone, never happening again'.

If you keep doing the same thing and getting negative results, change your approach. Don't do the same thing if it ends the exact same way.

The details aren't importing to helping yourself. Who did what, who is to blame, why did they do that - none of those matter to your future or your dreams. What is it you want to do with your life? What can you do today to start getting there?

Progress = positive. Stagnation = negative. Happy vs. depressed.

~ Clara

Lauren_Taylor
December 4th, 2016, 06:21 AM
I actually was a domestic abuse victim for three years by law and recently as of last year I am a major crime victim by law. I am not stating I am a victim just to be saying this. This pattern continued throughout life through an ongoing matter that later came to life. My mom still to this day does what she does and you wont know anything about it until the police comes. I am in college for the fourth time unable to finish for the fourth time because of something happening that has prevented me from finishing. My life has been destructive since I was in domestic abuse for 3 years and had to battle court cases because he messed up my name. The life I chose, I didn't choose my life like this. I am not able to go play sports like you or do any daily activities like you as of now.My life for right now is different than yours. I never had a teenage life like yours, I didnt get a chance to experience it. Decision making has nothing to do with what I am going through now. This is known as the cycle of trauma and violence that I had no control over non what so ever. If it was that simple, I wish it was . It is not honestly. I just finished up court from 2012-2016 of continuing cases that has been thrown out. The only people who protected me was the FBI and nobody else. I didn't live a life where I had a choice. No matter how I continued life, that cycle continued beyond my control and there was nothing I could do in order to prevent the damage was life was in. My life made a big circle and it wasn't my fault at all. I had a lot of stuff happening to me beyond my control. You make it seem easy and its not. I had a guy coming over my house beating me so bad, police wouldn't help. I didn't have a voice in the system until this year. Something major happened that caused a look into my life and other cases. You don't want my life and making positive decisions such as going to school or police academy will become disruptive by something that is out of your control. this has nothing to do with decision making. its only a pattern of trauma. its not easy until that person is in your shoes. my mom committed a lot of fraud and did many bad things behind our back in order to keep herself out of trouble. you make it sound easy and words is just words until you go through what I been through. Whether you make positive decisions or not you still not going to achieve it until something breaks that chain, no matter how you put it or even look at it. from 18-23 I lost those years and something bad had to happen to break this chain

Straya
December 4th, 2016, 06:32 AM
Honestly you gotta do what is healthy for you just cause she birthed you dosent mean you need to stay in contact with her if she isn't doing anything to improve your life

Lauren_Taylor
December 4th, 2016, 06:34 AM
thank you for this

ClaraWho
December 4th, 2016, 09:33 AM
You've entirely misunderstood what I actually said, which I'm guessing is in part due to a language barrier and in part because you want to vent.

Firstly, you have no idea who I am or what experiences I have had in my life. You couldn't possibly know anything about my past. Remember that for anything horrible you go through, you aren't the only one to ever suffer it and come out the other side. I think it would do you a lot of good to realise that others have actually had it worse in life. You say you lost 18-23, some people have lost 0-18. Don't fall into the trap of comparing your life to others. Everyone has their own problems, their own internal battles that aren't there to be seen in public. It helps nobody, especially not you.

The past is irrelevant to the future and today. It is over. Let it go. Choose to move on. Take steps to move on. If you do nothing, it isn't going to fix itself.

You say this isn't where you want to be in life. So where do you want to be? Shift the focus of your thoughts from the past which cannot be changed, to the future you can create.

Who is going to break this 'cycle of trauma' if not you? Who is going to give you. The strength to stand on your own two feet, if that doesn't come from inside? Clearly you have an inner strength to get you this far. Stop telling yourself No. Leave 'No' for everyone else to say. Tell yourself Yes. Yes, I am going to do something about this situation. I may not be able to change the circumstances, but I can change me. Yes, I am going to stand up to these abusers who torment me. Yes, I'm going to do everything I can, because it isn't over until I win.

A step you have taken today to improve yourself and your life, is posting this question on here. That's moving forward. Keep that momentum and try to run with it. And no. Nobody said it was easy. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. But you have the choice today to decide who you want to be. We may not be able to dictate circumstances, but we can decide how we respond to them.

Please don't confuse again what I'm saying, I'm talking about the present - not what you could have done differently in the past. You acted the way you acted on the information and thoughts available to you, and the mindset you had at the time. What's done is done. I'm talking about the here and now.

And I don't want your life, but equally, you do not want mine. That would be a complete waste of all your unique qualities and who you are. You matter to the world, even if it doesn't know it yet. Make your mark. Be who you are meant to be. And don't let negative, toxic people have a part in your life.

~ Clara

bentheplayer
December 6th, 2016, 06:46 AM
Evidently you are in a highly toxic relationship and you urself recognize it too. I think you know what is the best way forward for urself but you are just too afraid and hesitant to do them. Personally if I were you, I would cut off the relationship and even get a restraining order. A restraining will definitely ensure that she can't harass you again. You can approach legal aid for free legal help. Accept it and move on with life.

We can't change the cards we get only how we deal them. You are already past 18 and living in the USA. The best option if I were in ur shoes is to leave "home" for good, get a part time job and finish college. There is no point wallowing in self-pity (there are loads of others who have it worse than u) or the past. From today, just do what is best for urself. Sure the road forward will be tough but guess what; we are tougher and we will overcome.

Just JT
December 6th, 2016, 01:21 PM
I agree with Clarewho and bentheplayer here. Only you know what's best for you and all you have is now and the future.

I've never suggested to anyone here to leave home at a young age like I did at 14 and run. But I also think your older. So I'll make that change now and say run and never look back.

If what you say is true, your family has caused you more harm than good and you know you want out. There's never a good time to do that but the present time. So just make a plan pack your shit and walk out and go. Go anywhere than there. Start a new life.

Uniquemind
December 7th, 2016, 06:10 AM
The first step is asking for help from outside organizations to break any sort of dependence from your mom.

That's hard in this era since she knows so much personal information about you.

So you'll have to start life with immediate credit alert freezes for fraud on your SSN.

From there begin an independent life, albeit alone for a while, but train yourself in discipline, routine pattern and time management habit forming behaviors.

Keep a journal log and daily goal log.

Tell yourself you are loved everyday.

Katrinchen
December 7th, 2016, 08:10 AM
Honestly you gotta do what is healthy for you just cause she birthed you dosent mean you need to stay in contact with her if she isn't doing anything to improve your life

Yes - thats what i would say too - sorry, my english is too bad but stay on yourself and i would say it is NOT wrong to stop talking to your mother :(

Mina
December 12th, 2016, 12:14 PM
I think respect is earned it's not a entitlement or obligation. If anyone is nice to me n treats me like family then I love them like my family even if they're not related to me but if anyone abuse or take advantage of me I won't put up with it even if they're related to me n just treat them like a stranger.

So if ur mom is like that I'd say just focus on being happy n a good person. Maybe u can talk to her later on but for ur life now just move forward <3

Trevor.
December 29th, 2016, 04:09 AM
I went through domestic abuse and now I am a major crime victim. throughout life I lost everything I had, including friends and family. I lost majority of my teen years being beaten and not protected. My mother has always was this type of person to commit schemes and fraud in order to get herself out of trouble. when I was coming up, DHS stayed in my home. she would bring in man after man and I would have to deal with them trying to hit her or in the middle trying to break up a violent fight. The police stayed getting called to the house because she would call them on me in order to stay with the man. she would say " I need counseling or I am trying to kill myself", she would file false reports on me without me knowing and I would have to continuously come to court and see her drop the case each and every time.


She would call the counselors behind my back telling them stories such as im depressed or I need to be on medication without my knowledge. I was in elementary school and she tried to force me to go get a SSI check. She would tell me to pretend like I am crazy. Still young, she took my father to court and told me to say he's not doing anything for me so she can get a child support check. My father did not come see me the entire time during the court battle when I was young. My father did everything for me, she lied to get money from him. I grew up so angry and now I am old enough to realize this is not my fault. I missed majority of my childhood traumatized and moving constantly because of men. A few years ago we moved in a house after a FBI drug operation because of the guy she was dating. I slept in the room of a guy who killed over 5 people. we moved constantly because she thought this guy had money.

I had family members who would help me and turn around and say I stole their social security number once they didn't have the money to pay it back.. Nobody knew what it was like going through domestic abuse, losing everything you have. I now find myself being a victim of a major crime again. a detective basically stated she need to be charged. the court declared me as a victim of the state. my mom would help me and call companies years later saying I stole her social security number. She cosigned for my first car that I did not even want behind my back without my knowledge. She tried to say I stole her SSN and did it, but her signature is on the paperwork. I even offered to help her with her bills. I gave her 200 dollars and she lied about what she did what the money. I gave her money to pay her cable bill, and she told me that the cable bill already been paid and she spent it on food. I lived a different life than everybody else. I am a major crime victim and my life just now being shedded into light. I had the police constantly called on me because I did not know why me as a person changed. I did not know why I was so angry and did things I never did. She would tell bail bonders that I needed help bad, I talk to myself, and etc. I had family members who volunteered to help and changed it on me. Everything I did in life ended disastrous each time. I was never able to pay any of my bills because of me being in constant court or running into hiding. I was never able to keep a constant job because I was traumatized since I was being beaten. She brought many men into the house. Last year, my mother pulled a gun on me threatening to kill me. The officers said its her house and she could do what she want. I would be in different cities and she would sneak and file a report without me knowing at all. each time, she would go to court and say "she s doing better, you can drop it"

Freshman year of college, I encountered domestic abuse and retaliation for years in court cases. I got my first apartment during college and she helped me. she would get credit cards, or cable accounts in her name and lie about it years later stating I stole her SSN number to get her out of trouble. Someone contacted her asking did I put a ATT account in her name and she told them no. ATT have her on recording along with me stating that she gave them permission.

I think you could get a lawyer to talk for you and explain all this. Then afterward your mom would be locked up for all the crimes she had done. Then you can unite with your dad. I don't know your age but if you like 14 or 15 the u have the choice to move to your dads. Don't let your mom continue this... She could get u killed or worse. Do some research on what you have to do.