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auser_name
December 3rd, 2016, 04:22 PM
I do hope I'm still allowed to post here due to my age but I don't know how to cope with how I feel anymore. It's almost impossible to explain but I know I can't handle it anymore. I feel alone, betrayed, left by the world and kept in chains by my family. Im not sure wether others will give me advice on this matter but it feels a little better just getting this off my chest.

BlackParadePixie
December 3rd, 2016, 05:46 PM
Why do you feel betrayed? And kept in chains by your family? What's going on?
Do you have anyone you can talk to about things?

Endeavour
December 3rd, 2016, 06:51 PM
BlackParadePixie 's post above is excellent. You should begin to feel why exactly you feel betrayed. It would be a great idea to talk to someone about this whether that be a close friend, a teacher, guidance counsellor, anyone you trust. Letting your feelings out would be a great way to start getting better as everything would be off your chest. That really helps, trust me.

auser_name
December 6th, 2016, 05:18 PM
Im not going to lie. I don't really have people to talk to this about. I have always kept my self separate from people. Neve had a lot of trust to give to others, but in year 11 I trusted two people in the same year. I have no idea why but I did. The first was my boyfriend we had met there year and he had swept me of my feet. I feel in love almost instantly. Two years later (about ten months ago) I discovered he was sleeping with someone else. That broke me. I consider that the day I died. I haven't been the same since.

The second was my best friend. I had known him since year 7 and had only just started trusting him, and after the whole boyfriend fiasco he was the only person I could talk to about it. But recently he had been having trouble with his girlfriend. He's out up a star for two or three hours and I had just caught it but he said he was going to start ghosting people out of his life, and it seems like I'm one of those people. he hasn't responded to any of my messages for a while even though he has seen them. and thats had a massive impact on me and I have no idea why. I don't usually care about these sort of things. People come and they go. Simple. nothing I can do but for some reason it hurts. So much.

auser_name
December 6th, 2016, 05:23 PM
Where as my family, they are very, demanding for lack of a better word. I am expected to act in a certain way, speak to match. Smile and bury every sign of feelings. Never show that my life is a burden nor the responsibilities that my life style brings. Every time I speak of this trouble to them I am told to stop being so foolish, a thousand people would murder a thousand people just to have the lifestyle I have.

the best way I can describe my home life is like standing in the middle of a very crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, begging people for the attention, begging them to help me but all the while they talk and laugh and not once do they look up to see whats wrong nor bat an eyelid. I am trapped in this. I can't escape. nothing I do will dissuade them.

auser_name
December 6th, 2016, 05:24 PM
I dont know. Maybe I am being ridiculous but either way it was nice to finally get it of my chest.

bentheplayer
December 7th, 2016, 05:20 PM
auser_name I can assure you that you are not the only one that is chained by family. We are basically living in a doll house where we are seen as mere extensions of our parents and expected to conform to the family's ideals. The expectations that we have to live up to is crazy and nothing is ever good enough... To our overlords emotions are felt by the weak and emotions have no part to play in the way we lead our lives. But they seem to forget that we are only humans and struggling.

auser_name
December 8th, 2016, 05:18 PM
I completely agree and couldn't have worded it better. it both comforts me and saddens me that I am not alone in this bout. I hope you can over come this as I wish to do one day. Good luck to you

bentheplayer
December 8th, 2016, 09:59 PM
I completely agree and couldn't have worded it better. it both comforts me and saddens me that I am not alone in this bout. I hope you can over come this as I wish to do one day. Good luck to you

TBH I doubt that we that overcome this per se since the stress is caused by family. All we can do is to live with it unless we can change our parents views which can be challenging. Feel free to chat with me if you need support in this aspect. Sometimes the ever increasing emotional baggage that is chained to us and ever deepening physiological scars can feel too much. Good luck and stay strong. Remember that your happiness matters too.

Just JT
December 9th, 2016, 07:25 AM
Not that this makes things any easier to deal with, but I don't think how you feel is uncommon. I think most of us feel like we never satisfy our parents but also have a feeling like we need to do just that. And when you don't get any kind recognition or feeling like you have done anything good or satisfied them or feel your actually like a part of a family or bring herd or what ever.....it sucks.

But like ben is saying. We need to live our own lives seperate from them as well as together. We came from them so I think they sometimes think we should have the same views and values. But in reality we're very different people and they don't like to learn that. But to be more like them and not who we really are isn't toeing true to ourselves. Andthat will just cause issues later for ourselves.

So don't yell so loud in a crowded room. Just try to talk at a normal calm volume. If they don't listen shame on them. If they do, cool, maybe they'll learn something. I found I get farther with calm normal spoken words than yelling. A lot like how I learned yelling gets a better response than hitting. Guess I became somewhat civilized. So try doing for you and not so much them.

bentheplayer
December 9th, 2016, 08:08 AM
You don't get it. It's the way of how sometimes kids of "privileged" back ground treated. Both by society and by family. Others only get to see the perfect image. We "shout" because we are kept in a cocoon placed in a spider web at the mercy of being manipulated based on our overlord's whim. Every single action we do is always analysed, judged, compared and then corrected. It is hard to understand unless you have been placed in that scenario before.

Btw we are shouting from our soul and not verbally as to do anything more is frowned upon. Among the best of us, our face will never convey our thoughts/emotions and remain mask like with a warm and cheerful smile. We are expected to be understanding of others but somehow others are not expected to do so for us. This is just one of the many expectations that we face and are supposed to fulfill. Each time we bring up a topic, even repeatedly, if deemed trivial will always be brushed off with a laugh. Almost as if we are being stupid. It is rare to even be given a chance to be heard.

We can't just leave the family. We may not be around but they will find us and probably punish us for doing so... Besides that has been the case for many generations so it has become almost a tradition. Those from UK may have it way worse than others from other countries given how family tradition usually overrides everything including logic.

I think most of us who grow up in such kind of families just simply end up getting high functioning depression. To others we appear to be high achievers with every thing in life going for them but internally we are just a mess.

auser_name
December 9th, 2016, 01:16 PM
Thank you ben. Maybe it would do me some good conversing with someone going through the same thing

auser_name
December 21st, 2016, 02:47 PM
I know I haven't posted here in a while. It was meant to be a daily thing for me to relieve, something. I don't quite know what but I was always told that getting my feelings out would help. So thats what I planned on doing. Not sure wether I'm allowed to but I'm doing this in hopes that I will feel slightly better.

things haven't gotten better since last time. if anything they have gotten worse. I can describe it as anything anymore. Its just an ache. in the centre of my body. I feel numb all the time. I have no idea how I feel about the people in my life. I don't even know if I can even say they rein my life. I fell utterly alone. Thats what I feel. Alone. Trapped in my past. Trapped in the same chapter day in, day out. I never used to feel like this. I used to feel some sort of joy. I don't know what happened to me. I don't even know why I'm writing this now. Its not lucid thought, not coherent. Just rambles. Well maybe this will turn into a routine of some sort. It might help. oh well

Just JT
December 22nd, 2016, 07:00 AM
You can keep this thread going here if you like. There's no rules against it that I'm aware of. You can also get it moved to a diary if you ask permission of a diary owner. Let me know if thatbinterestes you.

Backmon topic, I think we can go through phases of how we feel about things. Puberty does a job on us, and it's not all pubert and sexual related. Puberty can release all kinds of hormones that make us feel all kinds of strange feelings we can't figure out. Make us feel very idk....unusual, different, distant, and seemingly uncaring about all kinds of stuff

It could be something all together different to. Is can't hurt to talk to your PC and let them know how your feeling. It could be a normal easy thing thatbyiur just not aware of that's just a process you don't know about
Could be something more to. So can't hurt to talk right?

auser_name
December 22nd, 2016, 07:51 PM
Oh thats great to hear. The diary idea does interest me. Well I guess this is the second day of posting. Bit late this time. Half 12 in London. London. I adore the city. Not many seem to but in fairness to me its all I've ever known. I don't think that has had any impact on the way I feel.So I guess that was arbitrary but oh well. Right now I feel so indecisive. I feel 'normal' in a sense. As opposed to my other post where I was on the brink of insanity. Thats doesn't mean to say I suddenly enjoy my life, I don't. it wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the constant scrutiny, the visibility. The inability to have time to my self and just be a normal teenage boy. I guess I lost that opportunity when I turned 18. Ever since then things have gotten even worse. The pressure has increased. My family keep reminding me that I am 'the flag ship of the family' that I have to ensure I keep the name alive, but in keeping their name alive I am dying. slowly but surely.

At the tender age of 18, I'm exhausted. All I want to do is lay in bed all day. Hide myself from the world and never let them see the failure I have become. Yet whilst feeling all this on the inside, on the outside I am just like the others. Everything that I am expected to be. and to this day my greatest achievement has been that I never faltered.

The happiest I have ever been is incidentally the only time I have felt human, and that was with my boyfriend who I have spoke about here before but never in this amount of detail. With him I could be me. I could be the flawed human I am, instead of this perfect creation void of flaws. A being that was respected, even after what he did to me I still love him. I still lay in bed at night wishing he would come back and cuddle with me again. My Parents never met him nor did they know I was in a relationship. They don't even know I'm gay. I wish I could tell them but I'm too afraid to. He's parents on the other hand were accepting. they knew everything and I loved that. They had arguments. they were human. but they all loved each other. not the love me and him shared but a precious love all family seem to experience. apart from mine. I remember the times when he and I would lay there for hours together and just talk. About anything and everything. I miss those times. We talked about our future. where we would go, where we would get married (if allowed) and the children we would adopt. God we were do young and stupid and utterly in love. God its late. I guess ill shall finish here tonight.

auser_name
December 23rd, 2016, 09:27 PM
Once again I choose to write in the cover of darkness. its quite and safe, far away from the living. The diurnal beings. I never felt like them. I always felt detached. And once again, alone. theres not much to say anymore, but by saying at least something here a day give the illusions of some friendship. I don't have as many as I used to. No. instead I have allies. damn bit more useful than friends, but its a lonely life. Powerful and fee but lonely. I would rather be a working class man who has to work 5 days a week then live like this another day. Oh well. thats me off tonight.

auser_name
December 26th, 2016, 08:07 PM
I feel I may end this now. I don't see how me preaching my sorrows helps me or any other for that matter. So I guess this is farewell from me.

auser_name
December 27th, 2016, 03:33 PM
I've changed my mind. For some reason I had some comfort in knowing I had a place to talk here. I don't know whats wrong with me. I've been getting worse and worse. Every day becomes longer and longer, and the pain ever more becomes unbearable, and the sad aspect is, I don't see it getting any better. I just see it getting longer. More painful.I hate myself for saying this but I can only see one way out of this pain. It's extreme, unforgivable, but I don't know what else to do. My future holds nothing but the same daily routine. I am utterly alone. There is no one I can confide in. There is no one who would Bothe to help. And yet the whole time I feel guilty for writing this because I can only see it as self pity. Well thats what I have always ben told. "Stop feeling sorry for your self, that could it possibly achieve? Stop being so repetitive". I would like the stance of legally questionable materials such as drugs on this site. I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to express on here. I'm tired. I guess I'm done for the night.

Anniebanannie
December 27th, 2016, 06:16 PM
If you're this far into the darkness, maybe you'd consider speaking to a counselor?

auser_name
December 29th, 2016, 12:46 PM
If you're this far into the darkness, maybe you'd consider speaking to a counselor?

I've had more counsellors than I can count, and not those NHS ones that schools provide to those unfortunate enough to go through this without the help of money. God. I feel so pretentious saying that. Maybe if I had discovered this site sooner I may not be as bad as I am now. Most of this torment I feel is from years of finding myself behind a false smile, but then again, even if I did scowl I don't think people would have noticed and even if they did I doubt they would have cared anyway. All so caught up in there stocks and upper class life. God I hate it. I hate it all. So cruel and unfair. Ive never been able to be my self. Only on here. Here the anonymity allows me to speak freely of my sexual desires for the same sex. Allows me to speak of my envy for the lower clearly happier classes. I hate myself for saying that. It makes me sound so arrogant. I feel as if I'm saying I am better than everyone else but I don't feel like that. I feel awful.

Anniebanannie
December 29th, 2016, 07:28 PM
I've had more counsellors than I can count, and not those NHS ones that schools provide to those unfortunate enough to go through this without the help of money. God. I feel so pretentious saying that. Maybe if I had discovered this site sooner I may not be as bad as I am now. Most of this torment I feel is from years of finding myself behind a false smile, but then again, even if I did scowl I don't think people would have noticed and even if they did I doubt they would have cared anyway. All so caught up in there stocks and upper class life. God I hate it. I hate it all. So cruel and unfair. Ive never been able to be my self. Only on here. Here the anonymity allows me to speak freely of my sexual desires for the same sex. Allows me to speak of my envy for the lower clearly happier classes. I hate myself for saying that. It makes me sound so arrogant. I feel as if I'm saying I am better than everyone else but I don't feel like that. I feel awful.

May I ask how old you are? I'm glad that this is an outlet for you. Please write more.

auser_name
December 29th, 2016, 09:22 PM
May I ask how old you are? I'm glad that this is an outlet for you. Please write more.

18. Bit old to use this I'm afraid. But it is nice to think that there are actually people out there who could try and help.

bentheplayer
December 30th, 2016, 08:57 AM
I don't think you are too old. TBH I feel that for ppl like us who grew up in such kind of background our emotional ends up being stunted when compared to our mental age. At least I think this is the case for me. Writing can be pretty cathartic and I used to do it for a bit on a secret journal which I hid but now I don't. The anonymity of the web has been useful for me too to talk freely without those darned chains. Even then not everyone understands what we are going thro and only perceive us as spoiled privileged kids with no right to feel the way we do. For us its all about having to conform and taking on those responsibilities. Social events had always been my worst nightmare. Having to act nice and all makes everything feel superficial and pretentious since we are never truly allowed to speak our minds freely least we be judged. To hell with all those stupid social niceties.

I admit that I used to hope to be born into a nice loving family even if they were poorer but now I realized that it would mean living a very different kind of lifestyle; one with fewer material comforts. It can be quite hard to adapt to such a drastic change in living conditions after being used to what we have now. We always think that the grass is greener the other side and the media's portrayal of the happy lower class doesn't quite help. No matter what we think, the disconnect between the various classes is bigger than ever since we are pretty sheltered from them.

Anyway as always, my offer to chat if you need to still remains. For now I am just living one day at the time, hoping that each day will end quickly. I suppose you would get more freedom when its time for uni. So just bear with it till then? That's my current target for now at least.

auser_name
December 30th, 2016, 09:48 AM
I don't think you are too old. TBH I feel that for ppl like us who grew up in such kind of background our emotional ends up being stunted when compared to our mental age. At least I think this is the case for me. Writing can be pretty cathartic and I used to do it for a bit on a secret journal which I hid but now I don't. The anonymity of the web has been useful for me too to talk freely without those darned chains. Even then not everyone understands what we are going thro and only perceive us as spoiled privileged kids with no right to feel the way we do. For us its all about having to conform and taking on those responsibilities. Social events had always been my worst nightmare. Having to act nice and all makes everything feel superficial and pretentious since we are never truly allowed to speak our minds freely least we be judged. To hell with all those stupid social niceties.

I admit that I used to hope to be born into a nice loving family even if they were poorer but now I realized that it would mean living a very different kind of lifestyle; one with fewer material comforts. It can be quite hard to adapt to such a drastic change in living conditions after being used to what we have now. We always think that the grass is greener the other side and the media's portrayal of the happy lower class doesn't quite help. No matter what we think, the disconnect between the various classes is bigger than ever since we are pretty sheltered from them.

Anyway as always, my offer to chat if you need to still remains. For now I am just living one day at the time, hoping that each day will end quickly. I suppose you would get more freedom when its time for uni. So just bear with it till then? That's my current target for now at least.

if I get into university that is. My A-levels have been a disaster. My GCSE's we not too bad but far from what a boy like me was expected to get. I think its disgusting the class separation. We shouldn't segregate our community based on financial status nor what our surname is. I also completely agree with the social event. Just smile and wave and play dumb. I was always told as a kid, we are required for the proper function of society. The upper classes give the lower classes hope and determination. We are a model of success. All rubbish. We are no better than our third class counter parts. We live a lie. We all know the working class hates us. Our pompous ways. God, its so hard to translate my my wild and at times broken thought into a readable language.

bentheplayer
December 30th, 2016, 10:08 AM
if I get into university that is. My A-levels have been a disaster. My GCSE's we not too bad but far from what a boy like me was expected to get. I think its disgusting the class separation. We shouldn't segregate our community based on financial status nor what our surname is. I also completely agree with the social event. Just smile and wave and play dumb. I was always told as a kid, we are required for the proper function of society. The upper classes give the lower classes hope and determination. We are a model of success. All rubbish. We are no better than our third class counter parts. We live a lie. We all know the working class hates us. Our pompous ways. God, its so hard to translate my my wild and at times broken thought into a readable language.

Oh well, that's what the older generation love to preach. I too was told that we are the elite group of society and had to play our part... All these kind of snobbishness/elitism is just plain stupid. I completely agree with the social segregation part. All it does is to alienate each other and cause a them and us kind of attitude. Ultimately all of us are only human .

As for uni, have you spoken about it with ur parents? I am sure that something can be arranged regardless of ur result. Alternatively, perhaps consider retaking the A levels?

auser_name
December 30th, 2016, 10:47 AM
Oh well, that's what the older generation love to preach. I too was told that we are the elite group of society and had to play our part... All these kind of snobbishness/elitism is just plain stupid. I completely agree with the social segregation part. All it does is to alienate each other and cause a them and us kind of attitude. Ultimately all of us are only human .

As for uni, have you spoken about it with ur parents? I am sure that something can be arranged regardless of ur result. Alternatively, perhaps consider retaking the A levels?

No. I don't want to really. I'm sick of education. I'm sick of everything really. And why should I get put into a university with sub-par results when there are people who work as hard as possibly getting decent results and not being able to get a place. All because some rich kid cried to his father

bentheplayer
December 30th, 2016, 10:56 AM
No. I don't want to really. I'm sick of education. I'm sick of everything really. And why should I get put into a university with sub-par results when there are people who work as hard as possibly getting decent results and not being able to get a place. All because some rich kid cried to his father

Yeah. I feel the same way too but the thing is ur parents might not. Going to uni is almost always expected. If they r gonna make something happen as least make it such that u have a say than it being decided for u.

auser_name
December 30th, 2016, 11:00 AM
Yeah. I feel the same way too but the thing is ur parents might not. Going to uni is almost always expected. If they r gonna make something happen as least make it such that u have a say than it being decided for u.

if I'm honest I've given up on it all. At the then end of the day ill do what they want me to do. Thats what my whole life has been so far and it is what it will be like for the foreseeable future. I'm the eldest born son. That is what I am, not human, not my own person but my fathers eldest born son.

bentheplayer
December 30th, 2016, 11:03 AM
if I'm honest I've given up on it all. At the then end of the day ill do what they want me to do. Thats what my whole life has been so far and it is what it will be like for the foreseeable future. I'm the eldest born son. That is what I am, not human, not my own person but my fathers eldest born son.

Oh well. If it might make u feel better, I am the only child. =.= The number of times I thought of ending it once and for all... How about ur siblings? R they of any help?

auser_name
December 30th, 2016, 11:07 AM
Oh well. If it might make u feel better, I am the only child. =.= The number of times I thought of ending it once and for all... How about ur siblings? R they of any help?

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you can stay strong. As for my siblings, they all enjoy the lifestyle apart from my oldest sister. She married a common man none of us like. Obviously action had to be taken and now she lives in a council flat in Thurrock. My father has made sure that no money goes to her. For what reasons I do not know but I suspect it is that.

bentheplayer
December 30th, 2016, 11:10 AM
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you can stay strong. As for my siblings, they all enjoy the lifestyle apart from my oldest sister. She married a common man none of us like. Obviously action had to be taken and now she lives in a council flat in Thurrock. My father has made sure that no money goes to her. For what reasons I do not know but I suspect it is that.

Ah right. The inheritance is another area to consider too and it is a tool they frequently use to keep us in check. It has always been a tough choice, money or freedom I guess.

auser_name
December 30th, 2016, 11:42 AM
Ah right. The inheritance is another area to consider too and it is a tool they frequently use to keep us in check. It has always been a tough choice, money or freedom I guess.

incredibly hard. Especially when you have grown up in a lavish environment.

auser_name
December 30th, 2016, 07:14 PM
I think I may be slowly figuring out what is wrong. First of I always get worse towards the end of the day. Just crumble and die. But I just saw a post on Facebook from a "friend" and I got this weird feeling in my chest. It was like being punched in the chest. I don't know why I am so attached. I never get attached. I haven't spoken to this friend properly in ages. Well it feels like ages. All of my other "friends" who we both know have been making the same comment. You love him dan't ya?. and every-time I deny it. But I'm starting to think, what if they were right? I can't go through it again. I refuse to. The last time that happened I barely survived. The only thing that kept me here was this friend.

At the start of this year I broke up with my boyfriend, and at this same time the friend I'm talking about left my current place of education. I was so scared of loosing him.Petrified. I cried my self to sleep the night he told me. I guess what I want to know is. Do I love him? its been a year. I should of been able to move on but I can't. I think about him. A lot. I shouldn't do. I want him all the time. I want to go out with him and talk to him every chance I get. Maybe I was the one who pushed him away? Was I too "clingy"? I don't know how I feel about this person and it leaves me so afraid. Can any body offer any advice?

bentheplayer
December 31st, 2016, 12:11 AM
I dunno but I have a crush in school who I have never told. I will lucid dream of him nearly every night and yet I just can't tell him that I am totally want him. I just don't dare to for obvious reasons and even make it a point to refrain from talking to him. Perhaps you have a crush on that friend but are using ur boyfriend to "replace" ur crush?

We like to think that we can never get attached because we have been hurt so many times but I think even if we verbally deny it our heart still aches and have already been captured. Emotionally, I am just a mess.

auser_name
December 31st, 2016, 12:34 AM
I dunno but I have a crush in school who I have never told. I will lucid dream of him nearly every night and yet I just can't tell him that I am totally want him. I just don't dare to for obvious reasons and even make it a point to refrain from talking to him. Perhaps you have a crush on that friend but are using ur boyfriend to "replace" ur crush?

We like to think that we can never get attached because we have been hurt so many times but I think even if we verbally deny it our heart still aches and have already been captured. Emotionally, I am just a mess.

You and me both. Thats the on thing out lifestyles can guarantee. How ever I split up with my boyfriend about a year ago and thats when I think I got "attached" to this friend. Maybe I am using him to replace my ex-boyfriend who I was madly in love with to the extent I gave him my body. I don't want to go through this again though. I destroyed a friendship once with this.

As with your crush I'm here if you need to talk about it.Maybe talking with someone who is older and has a little experience in this field might help. May I ask though, have you come out to your parents?

bentheplayer
December 31st, 2016, 12:57 AM
You and me both. Thats the on thing out lifestyles can guarantee. How ever I split up with my boyfriend about a year ago and thats when I think I got "attached" to this friend. Maybe I am using him to replace my ex-boyfriend who I was madly in love with to the extent I gave him my body. I don't want to go through this again though. I destroyed a friendship once with this.

As with your crush I'm here if you need to talk about it.Maybe talking with someone who is older and has a little experience in this field might help. May I ask though, have you come out to your parents?

No of course not, I doubt I would ever tell them. If I did it would be cos I have amassed my own wealth since I'm pretty sure they won't be pleased at all. While there is a probability that my crush likes me, its a chance I dare not take. The worse case scenario isnt gonna be something I am able to handle. I just hate ending up as a slave to this lifestyle but I really can't risk it.

auser_name
December 31st, 2016, 01:11 AM
No of course not, I doubt I would ever tell them. If I did it would be cos I have amassed my own wealth since I'm pretty sure they won't be pleased at all. While there is a probability that my crush likes me, its a chance I dare not take. The worse case scenario isnt gonna be something I am able to handle. I just hate ending up as a slave to this lifestyle but I really can't risk it.

have you asked this person on their views on homosexuality? Would you feel if things did work out between you two you would both collectively go and tell your parents about your sexuality?

bentheplayer
December 31st, 2016, 02:26 AM
have you asked this person on their views on homosexuality? Would you feel if things did work out between you two you would both collectively go and tell your parents about your sexuality?

Lol its the same reason why you can't just go tell ur parents right? Its just something they don't talk about so yeah. Outside they will always give a pc answer but no one truly knows what they think of it.

auser_name
December 31st, 2016, 08:36 AM
Lol its the same reason why you can't just go tell ur parents right? Its just something they don't talk about so yeah. Outside they will always give a pc answer but no one truly knows what they think of it.

good point. We can never truly know what people are think ing of us.

bentheplayer
December 31st, 2016, 09:13 AM
good point. We can never truly know what people are think ing of us.

Personally, I suspect this is even more true for ppl around us. People from other backgrounds are usually more free to speak their mind. For people around us the best way is to observe their actions than words to learn their true opinion. Usually there will some very slight clues that give them away but even then this is not always accurate.

auser_name
December 31st, 2016, 12:45 PM
Personally, I suspect this is even more true for ppl around us. People from other backgrounds are usually more free to speak their mind. For people around us the best way is to observe their actions than words to learn their true opinion. Usually there will some very slight clues that give them away but even then this is not always accurate.

Personally I don't think we can even rely on that. Every move is so calculated, so cold and emotionless. Everything in out life is calculated, nothing is natural for natural is flawed and we are far above flawed. it makes no sense I hate it. I hate it all.

auser_name
December 31st, 2016, 05:09 PM
Once again I get that weird pain in the centre of my chest. I have no idea what to call it or how to describe I feel it everyday but yet have no idea whats hurting. But it makes me feel awful. Weak. Alone. I'm scared. Scared of being alone. Forever. But the scariest part of this feeling is, it is the only thing I can feel anymore. What is wrong with me? Why can't I feel anything else other than this pain? A pain which affect the very essence of my living being somehow. It's unbearable. I just want it to end. I want it all to end. In my entire life I have never talked to more people than I do now but at the same time I've never felt more lonely.

auser_name
December 31st, 2016, 07:02 PM
New Year. Great...

bentheplayer
January 1st, 2017, 01:05 AM
I hate new years. All it means is going thro another horrible year; all over again.

As for this pain of emptiness and loneliness I just try my best to keep it bay by being busy with work be it schl or hobbies.

auser_name
January 1st, 2017, 01:56 AM
I hate new years. All it means is going thro another horrible year; all over again.

As for this pain of emptiness and loneliness I just try my best to keep it bay by being busy with work be it schl or hobbies.

I admire your strength. I feel like I'm crumbling. Im sorry you managed to identify with how I'm feeling. if you want, you can talk to me about how you feel. never know. it might help us both. Im almost at 100 posts so if theres anything you dont want to publicly talk about send me a private message and ill try and help you.

bentheplayer
January 1st, 2017, 10:08 AM
I admire your strength. I feel like I'm crumbling. Im sorry you managed to identify with how I'm feeling. if you want, you can talk to me about how you feel. never know. it might help us both. Im almost at 100 posts so if theres anything you dont want to publicly talk about send me a private message and ill try and help you.

I don't really think that I am strong. Its just that I am not brave enough to actually end it. Besides it isn't exactly easy to end it cleanly and quickly. I am crumbling too just that I try not to think too much about it. I simply compartmentalize that feeling and each time it comes back to haunt me its much worse and more intense. I have always been an escapist. Its my way of surviving. Nearly each night I will lucid dream and escape into my own ideal world away from all the pain .... only to have to face it all over again when I wake up.

And yup, it is probably a better idea to talk over pm abt such issues.

auser_name
January 1st, 2017, 04:47 PM
I don't really think that I am strong. Its just that I am not brave enough to actually end it. Besides it isn't exactly easy to end it cleanly and quickly. I am crumbling too just that I try not to think too much about it. I simply compartmentalize that feeling and each time it comes back to haunt me its much worse and more intense. I have always been an escapist. Its my way of surviving. Nearly each night I will lucid dream and escape into my own ideal world away from all the pain .... only to have to face it all over again when I wake up.

And yup, it is probably a better idea to talk over pm abt such issues.

I agree but please feel free to just write here like I do. It always help to get thing of your chest

Just JT
January 2nd, 2017, 12:59 AM
I may not feel all the same struggles in life as you guys with sexuality and coming out or acceptance and stuff. I just never had them. I never told them they never asked I was just who I was and I didn't care. And in the end neither did they.

Feeling alone I know well. It's horrible. Even though I know I'm loved and I got a good family and all, I also know I'm not a part of this family in ways I'll never be able to. And in the end I am all alone.

Having siblings I thinkmis an awesome thing most guys despise. I get personality differences and all. But not having any is like....idk, just knowing that there's nobody there for you

bentheplayer
January 2nd, 2017, 01:45 AM
I may not feel all the same struggles in life as you guys with sexuality and coming out or acceptance and stuff. I just never had them. I never told them they never asked I was just who I was and I didn't care. And in the end neither did they.

Feeling alone I know well. It's horrible. Even though I know I'm loved and I got a good family and all, I also know I'm not a part of this family in ways I'll never be able to. And in the end I am all alone.

Having siblings I thinkmis an awesome thing most guys despise. I get personality differences and all. But not having any is like....idk, just knowing that there's nobody there for you

Siblings can be a boon or bane depending on family structure. In our kind of family, the eldest is always expected to represent the family; the concept of first born child(son) is highly valued. The first born son is expected to be the high achiever and to follow whatever the family desires as that is his duty and to set the benchmark for the rest of his siblings to look up to.

If the eldest can't perform as expected but the other siblings can then one should be prepared for the consequences of being cut off. The only possible way of escaping such a fate is to simply listen and follow the orders of the parents like a dog so as to win "trust" of being willing to keep the tradition alive. I don't really ever feel that in our families children are had for love but to simply continue the family line. From this I guess you can extrapolate the horrors of having an "underachieving" and gay first born. It becomes a double whammy. Of course there are exceptions to this depending on families.


It is that degree of love and acceptance that seems to be so easy for certain families that makes us so jealous. We are never truly ever allowed to be ourselves at all. Every act we do is usually a cold calculated move that I am just simply tried of especially when they have to be done so perfectly to ensure self-preservation. Its also hard to find true friends. What we have are acquaintances but friends not really. They are all simply people we work with. Our lives feel like one big theatrical act where we just act nice not because we like each other but simply because it is expected.

Just JT
January 2nd, 2017, 04:58 AM
I'm sorry man. Idk I guess I can understand some of that as that's kinda like how by birth dad was like but only with me I guess. But idk if he'd ever cut me off like that. I can't imagine that. I kinda do get what you mean about expectations as I have a foster bro now and my mom n dad say stuff about helping and setting the example for stuff. But I don't think they'd be like that to me. And I think if they were they'd probably not like me to much

auser_name
January 4th, 2017, 06:04 PM
I've been thinking. Why should we put up with this? Where is the legal obligation we signed? Why should we allow our overloads to condemn us to the issues they continue to suppress? Take our life as a financial endeavour? We are not pawns in their game, we are humans. We are their flesh and blood and should be treated wth the respect we deserve and demand. I for one will no longer stand for this. At 18 I have the right to make my own decisions. I am sick of sitting there smiling pretending that nothing is wrong and I have the perfect life. That I feel no pain and not flawed. I will no longer be the "Pillar" on which society is said to be built upon. Nobody wants this segregation of classes other than those who benefit from it. Not even half of them want it either. We need to abolish the pompous, arrogant, insufferable ways.

auser_name
January 9th, 2017, 02:43 PM
Once again. Been a while since I posted on here, but, it's getting hard again. As one or two may know, I've been talking with an old boyfriend and things seem to be picking up again and that is great. I love it. But I'm starting to feel lonely. I don't know why but I feel so alone. To the point where it physically hurts. Is there something wrong with me? Am I too hard to please, or am I doomed? To roam the earth alone forever. Is this self pity. I have no idea what to think anymore. It feels like my mind is in the constant civil war. Each part battling its self. Every action I make if criticised by my parents and then by me. Is it bad that I don't feel I can carry on like the anymore. Just existing tares me apart. I wish I could make it all go away. Ive started some medication. Some kind of sleeping pills. Im arranging a doctors appointment and getting some stronger ones and some antidepressants. I'm not sure if I am allowed to post this here and moderators, please, remove this if I can't but I've seriously been considering taking some "substances" a friend has been suggesting. Apparently they make you feel good but I'm undecided. Advice would be nice but no obligations. Well I've got work to do. So I guess this is goodbye for a while. Night guys.

auser_name
February 1st, 2017, 02:43 PM
Hey I'm not allowed if I'm still allowed to post here but right now I feel like I need to. Ive had this surge of emotions the last few days. The only emotion which has eluded me is joy, happiness. The worst part about it? I feel entirely alone. Secluded from the rest of the world. Alone in this fight against my own mind. Every night I lay alone just thinking then telling my self I'm wrong. "Did she say that? No, of course not." I feel like I'm going mad. I'm not I know this to be fact but it still feels like I am. Whats causing this? I don't know. I have been talking to this boy. Over text, never met in real life but I have seen photographs, and I am really embarrassed to say, I have fallen head over heels in love with him. The issue? He doesn't feel the same. There is nothing as painful as unreciprocated love. It's the kind of pain that makes you want to rip your insides out. Its been two years. Two whole years since this pain started. It's not constant. More like a rollercoaster. Highs and lows, but the longest periods are the lows. During these periods I sleep all day, drink when I am awake and just blindly follow what my parents say. Stand like this, smile. Wave. God I hate it all. See just writing this I can see I'm all over the place. Cant keep a constant line of thought.

auser_name
February 20th, 2017, 05:16 PM
Once again, I find myself drawn to this little chain of messages. It helps. Im some peculiar way it helps. In a way I convince myself that I am talking to others. People who would like to help. Is that "sad"? I don't know anymore. I've reread some of my posts. Theres a reoccurring theme of loneliness, confusion, being lost. I don't even know why I write half the things I do. It just feels good to. Like I said, I don't even know why I'm writing this anymore.