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Pulp501
November 16th, 2016, 02:44 PM
She wants nothing to do with me. All my friends have done this within the last several months, and now I have absolutely no one and I want to kill myself. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I had 3 good friends, which is more than I need to be happy, one fucked up her life on drugs so I don't think that was my fault, another just stopped talking to me with absolutely no explanation, he just ignores me now and I can't get him to text me back to explain what happened between us, and the third one today got all pissed off cuz I accused her of being sarcastic and she said I was "too much" and that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I'm so anti social, it's basically impossible for me to make new friends at this point in my life and I'm just so lonely I don't know what to do. I just want to be friends with the 2nd guy, who stopped talking with no explanation but no matter what I do I can't get him to talk to me. I'm feeling really suicidal now too. I don't post here much anymore, but now I really have no person I can't turn to so I'm going to VT for advice

Uniquemind
November 16th, 2016, 07:02 PM
Well it's good you acknowledge situations that were out of your control to begin with.

I think it's important not to swing to extremes and let your immediate environment dictate your self-worth. That's dangerous because outside factors are inconsistent even for years at a time.

I think however, it is a good time to so some self-reflection and look at how you communicate with people, and the quality of people you put in your social circles to begin with.

You know upon observation that friend A is more sensitive than friend B, and you can't treat them all the same, you've got to have a tailored approach to each relationship you have. This is hard for those with a dominant personality which tends to want to be the same type of person with every friend not understanding the customized approach to relationships.


Take this time therefore to find out what personality type you are, and what details about yourself are causing "rough patches" in the friendships you just lost. Do you want to change, if so how? Does changing have a negative effect on you does it mean you betray the core essence of who you are? My answer is not necessarily but it's something you'll have to do a lot of introspection about.

ClaraWho
November 17th, 2016, 08:12 AM
Firstly I agree with a lot of what has already been said.

In terms of suicidal thoughts, you need to decide if they are ideation or intent, and seek professional help accordingly. There are plenty of services available to you should you feel you are unable to cope/control your actions. These are better accessed early than left until you have a crisis.

It's interesting you limit yourself to focusing on these 3 friends, and how you must not be able to make friends because they failed over time. There are two things to note here, firstly that friendships grow and fade over time, and secondly that perhaps you aren't communicating well with others. This point was explaining in UniqueMind's reply.

Everything is not black/white. Situations change, people change. Stop holding on to the past and start thinking about the future. What are you doing today for a better tomorrow? If the answer to that is 'nothing', then why do you think anything will improve? If the answer is 'there's nothing I can do', that's simply fooling yourself.

You are 19. Not 89. You've a whole lifetime of options and possibilities ahead of you for the taking. You just have to work. If what you are doing is causing you to fail, change your approach and try again. Still not working? Change your approach. Doing the same thing and expecting different results is insane.

So to sum up. Stop thinking about relationships that are done and gone. Start thinking about how you can improve your life. Ask yourself daily what steps you are actively taking to be who and where you want to be in life. If you don't do that, you really can't complain.

~ Clara

jamie_n5
November 17th, 2016, 07:40 PM
Do you complain and bitch about things to your friends? Do you seem to be down and blue and look for sympathy from them? Things like this gets to be a real drag to friends. You need a positive attitude and faith and confidence in yourself. Break you bubble and try being more outgoing and start looking for new friends.

Pulp501
November 19th, 2016, 05:18 PM
I think however, it is a good time to so some self-reflection and look at how you communicate with people, and the quality of people you put in your social circles to begin with.

I really don't know how to get people into my circle at all, like I have no idea how to talk to people and it's so frustrating. Those 3 friends felt my miracles when I actually befriended them, like I don't know how to replicate it with other people now, and my anxiety is so much worse than when I met any of them, it's just hard to get myself out there.



It's interesting you limit yourself to focusing on these 3 friends, and how you must not be able to make friends because they failed over time. There are two things to note here, firstly that friendships grow and fade over time, and secondly that perhaps you aren't communicating well with others. This point was explaining in UniqueMind's reply.

Everything is not black/white. Situations change, people change. Stop holding on to the past and start thinking about the future. What are you doing today for a better tomorrow? If the answer to that is 'nothing', then why do you think anything will improve? If the answer is 'there's nothing I can do', that's simply fooling yourself.

You are 19. Not 89. You've a whole lifetime of options and possibilities ahead of you for the taking. You just have to work. If what you are doing is causing you to fail, change your approach and try again. Still not working? Change your approach. Doing the same thing and expecting different results is insane.



I think I must not communicate with others, my former friends for one, and especially strangers since I have no idea how to make new friends. I also think you're right that I am doing nothing to improve my future and that I'm too focused on going back, it's just so difficult to go forward you know, I haven't figured out how, or I just can't get past my anxiety to do it. Like I just really don't know what I'm supposed to do, I don't even know what I want except one of my old friends back, that's the only thing I can think of to make me happy.

Do you complain and bitch about things to your friends? Do you seem to be down and blue and look for sympathy from them? Things like this gets to be a real drag to friends. You need a positive attitude and faith and confidence in yourself. Break you bubble and try being more outgoing and start looking for new friends.

Yes, I think that's why my last one ended, although she did that way more than me so I think she's kind of a hypocrite for ending a friendship over that. I don't think I can be self confident :/. I'm not sure where to even look for friends either, the only place I'm ever around people my age is community college and everyone already has their friends from high school, and is only on campus during class. no one there is looking for friends.


Double posts merged. ~Lost Horizon

Uniquemind
November 20th, 2016, 01:50 PM
I really don't know how to get people into my circle at all, like I have no idea how to talk to people and it's so frustrating. Those 3 friends felt my miracles when I actually befriended them, like I don't know how to replicate it with other people now, and my anxiety is so much worse than when I met any of them, it's just hard to get myself out there.



I think I must not communicate with others, my former friends for one, and especially strangers since I have no idea how to make new friends. I also think you're right that I am doing nothing to improve my future and that I'm too focused on going back, it's just so difficult to go forward you know, I haven't figured out how, or I just can't get past my anxiety to do it. Like I just really don't know what I'm supposed to do, I don't even know what I want except one of my old friends back, that's the only thing I can think of to make me happy.



Yes, I think that's why my last one ended, although she did that way more than me so I think she's kind of a hypocrite for ending a friendship over that. I don't think I can be self confident :/. I'm not sure where to even look for friends either, the only place I'm ever around people my age is community college and everyone already has their friends from high school, and is only on campus during class. no one there is looking for friends.


[Color=red]Double posts merged. ~Lost Horizon [/QUOTE]

Join a campus club. You have to hunt a bit for social activities.
They aren't just gonna fall in your lap.

And it isn't gonna be overnight or even within a week for anxiety to pass.

You need to acknowledge that anxiety itself is pointless, let he feeling go after a deep meditation and proceed forward. It's an adventure, and in some ways when I get depressed I've retrained my mind to see it as a freeing opportunity to try new things, failure is a gift wrapped in disguise because your already at rock bottom, the only thing worse is giving up, so your free to explore positive options without any further emotional drops.

You also need to tell yourself qualities you like about yourself. (Are you good at math, English, other languages, building things, planning things, time management, story telling etc).

Like list qualities that give yourself credit where credit is due, despite your flaws.

ClaraWho
November 21st, 2016, 11:08 AM
I really don't know how to get people into my circle at all, like I have no idea how to talk to people and it's so frustrating. Those 3 friends felt my miracles when I actually befriended them, like I don't know how to replicate it with other people now, and my anxiety is so much worse than when I met any of them, it's just hard to get myself out there.



I think I must not communicate with others, my former friends for one, and especially strangers since I have no idea how to make new friends. I also think you're right that I am doing nothing to improve my future and that I'm too focused on going back, it's just so difficult to go forward you know, I haven't figured out how, or I just can't get past my anxiety to do it. Like I just really don't know what I'm supposed to do, I don't even know what I want except one of my old friends back, that's the only thing I can think of to make me happy.



Yes, I think that's why my last one ended, although she did that way more than me so I think she's kind of a hypocrite for ending a friendship over that. I don't think I can be self confident :/. I'm not sure where to even look for friends either, the only place I'm ever around people my age is community college and everyone already has their friends from high school, and is only on campus during class. no one there is looking for friends.


[Color=red]Double posts merged. ~Lost Horizon [/QUOTE]

Uniquemind made some good points above, some of which I wanted to bring up.

You say 'It is just so difficult to go forwards' but it really isn't. In fact, despite all the 'age-defying moisturiser' attempts, nobody can stop the hands of time. You are going forwards every second, of every minute, of every day, of every month, and so forth. Life is what you make of it, but it doesn't care about you or anybody else. Which is as humbling as it should be inspiring.

Catastrophising is when you make everything the worst possible outcome.

Black/white thinking is also known as all or nothing. You see the only option you have for friendship as with that one individual. Yet there are 360 million people in America alone, and 7 billion in the world.

Examine your anxiety. As UniqueMind says, you consider yourself to be at rock bottom, so what have you got to lose? What is the worst thing that could happen from talking to someone in college? You'll end up with no friends? You've got no friends! Seems like the only way is up, right?

Community colleges sometimes have Counselling and self-help guides are readily available online (May I recommend the NHS UK self-help guides and Mindfullness on YouTube). Stop waiting for someone else to fix your problems, it's time to take responsibility for your life and your situation. Everything in your life right now is directly a result of your accepted standards. You must be okay with the way things are or you'd actively be trying to make your life better. Right? Come on dude!

Anxiety is one of those issues were the only way to combat it, is to do exactly what it makes you feel NOT like doing. Get out there. Put yourself in uncomfortable situations. Start small, something that makes you nervous. Watch how other people do it. Fake it till you make it. Maybe join a performing arts group, with really outgoing people. What are your interests? Hobbies?

Make that list recommended above. Who are you as a person besides anxiety? Who do you want to be and what steps are you taking daily to get there? Watch motivational videos if they help.

And you always got the forum :lol:

~ Clara

Pulp501
November 27th, 2016, 12:05 AM
Uniquemind made some good points above, some of which I wanted to bring up.

You say 'It is just so difficult to go forwards' but it really isn't. In fact, despite all the 'age-defying moisturiser' attempts, nobody can stop the hands of time. You are going forwards every second, of every minute, of every day, of every month, and so forth. Life is what you make of it, but it doesn't care about you or anybody else. Which is as humbling as it should be inspiring.

Catastrophising is when you make everything the worst possible outcome.

Black/white thinking is also known as all or nothing. You see the only option you have for friendship as with that one individual. Yet there are 360 million people in America alone, and 7 billion in the world.

Examine your anxiety. As UniqueMind says, you consider yourself to be at rock bottom, so what have you got to lose? What is the worst thing that could happen from talking to someone in college? You'll end up with no friends? You've got no friends! Seems like the only way is up, right?

Community colleges sometimes have Counselling and self-help guides are readily available online (May I recommend the NHS UK self-help guides and Mindfullness on YouTube). Stop waiting for someone else to fix your problems, it's time to take responsibility for your life and your situation. Everything in your life right now is directly a result of your accepted standards. You must be okay with the way things are or you'd actively be trying to make your life better. Right? Come on dude!

Anxiety is one of those issues were the only way to combat it, is to do exactly what it makes you feel NOT like doing. Get out there. Put yourself in uncomfortable situations. Start small, something that makes you nervous. Watch how other people do it. Fake it till you make it. Maybe join a performing arts group, with really outgoing people. What are your interests? Hobbies?

Make that list recommended above. Who are you as a person besides anxiety? Who do you want to be and what steps are you taking daily to get there? Watch motivational videos if they help.

And you always got the forum :lol:

~ Clara[/QUOTE]
Thanks for the response, you definitely make some good points. I just think it's all easier said than done. First of all, socially, it could get worse, I could always go from being the shy person to the weird person, but I don't really think that will happen. As far as getting myself out there so I can meet more people, I really don't know what I would try.... I just don't get interested by many things and putting myself in uncomfortable situations obviously isn't as easy as me wanting to change things. Also, who am I besides my anxiety? I really don't know, I'm not really good at anything, I'm not really passionate about anything, I just really don't know.

About that friend, I'm very open to being friends with other people I just have no idea who else it would be, and even if I make new friends, I'd still want to be friends with him. There is a girl who i think might hang out with me if I asked her, but like I feel like if we hung out it would just make things weird cuz I'd be anxious and just wouldn't know what to do or say the entire time. Do you think I should pursue any potential friendships?

ClaraWho
November 27th, 2016, 03:42 AM
Again, who said life is meant to be easy? Nothing worthwhile ever is.

What's the difference between shy/weird socially? Both = no friends. Seems the same to me. And what is wrong with being weird? Normal people are boring and humourless.

You say you don't really think that would happen, so what do you think would happen?

Obviously you don't want things to change badly enough, hence looking for a cowards way out (suicidal thoughts). How do you know what you are interested in without having tried anything? O.o. Name all the things you have done that didn't interest you.

One cannot 'be' anxiety. Anxiety is an overactivation of the bodies HPA axis to induce a constant worry. It's a malfunction in brain chemistry fuelled by ridiculous thoughts. One cannot be 'an anxious'. Anxiety cannot be applied to oneself as a noun.

So, seeing as you cannot be anxiety, and you cannot be nothing - obviously that makes you SOMETHING. However reluctant you might be to define what that actually means. Did you make the list UniqueMind mentioned? Did you do anything to act on any of the advice given?

You need to ask yourself why you are obsessing on this one guy. It's as though you are seeking for relationships you know will not work, so you don't have to actually deal with being anyone's friend.

I think you should pursue EVERY potential friendship. And why not be open about it? Joke about how awkward you are, mention how you have anxiety so sometimes you act a bit weird. People are much more understanding than you think. Just don't abuse friendship by being a negative nelly. That should apply to your internal thoughts too. It's a conscious effort to think more positively.

~ Clara

Uniquemind
November 27th, 2016, 01:15 PM
Yeah don't be a negative nelly even to your own mind. You are making a choice to begin that spiral right at that moment.

It seems you do need to focus on discipline driving your initial actions, not interest.

At thanksgiving this year, generational mindsets came up as a discussion point, and apparently statistically millennials, I must be an outlier, have this problem of entitlement or expectation stuff falls their way, and if it doesn't they give up or place blame on an outward cause.

Whereas other generations had a bit more fire under their motivations even in the face of failure.

You've got to find that fire for independence, from family, from friends etc.


Go back to when you were a little kid? What questions about life did you have? What since then have you not answered that you can answer now?

Internets at your fingertips, explore for explorations sake, not for placement on a A-F graded scale and an emotional reaction follow said receiving graded score.

Trevor.
December 30th, 2016, 03:47 AM
She wants nothing to do with me. All my friends have done this within the last several months, and now I have absolutely no one and I want to kill myself. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I had 3 good friends, which is more than I need to be happy, one fucked up her life on drugs so I don't think that was my fault, another just stopped talking to me with absolutely no explanation, he just ignores me now and I can't get him to text me back to explain what happened between us, and the third one today got all pissed off cuz I accused her of being sarcastic and she said I was "too much" and that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I'm so anti social, it's basically impossible for me to make new friends at this point in my life and I'm just so lonely I don't know what to do. I just want to be friends with the 2nd guy, who stopped talking with no explanation but no matter what I do I can't get him to talk to me. I'm feeling really suicidal now too. I don't post here much anymore, but now I really have no person I can't turn to so I'm going to VT for advice

I think you should talk to your friends face to face and ask them why?... Try to understand them and let them understand you and your thinking. Maybe you can give your friendships another chance. If they don't want you I would be your friend :) I think a lot of the other VT members would like to be you friend also.

Pulp501
January 7th, 2017, 02:46 AM
I think you should talk to your friends face to face and ask them why?... Try to understand them and let them understand you and your thinking. Maybe you can give your friendships another chance. If they don't want you I would be your friend :) I think a lot of the other VT members would like to be you friend also.

I don't have any opportunity to talk to them face-to-face unless I just show up at their house and I'm too afraid of making a really awkward situation to do that.

Uniquemind
January 9th, 2017, 02:52 AM
I don't have any opportunity to talk to them face-to-face unless I just show up at their house and I'm too afraid of making a really awkward situation to do that.

Take my advice and join a club which fulfills two purposes:

1. Expands academic and career interests

2. Gets you around people.

hogwartsthestral
January 10th, 2017, 09:53 AM
It hurts a lot but it happens. I've had it happen plenty. It is best to know that people who really care about you are out there and love you for you and will support you in anything. I offer lots of virtual hugs until you find them if you want them. It's so cliche, but I promise you it does get better.