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Periphery
October 27th, 2016, 03:09 PM
So yeah, this'll probably be me just ranting about my life and stuff.

So allot of you may have noticed how I've been posting less, and well allot of my posts are day 0 posts. The past few weeks have been really hard on me. I really feel like I'm reaching a breaking point and I hate this so much. My mood has been extremely unstable lately and honestly I don't even know why.

I've been feeling worse and worse and worse. I'm pretty much nervous all day and I'm extremely sensitive to it. I've been really unstable and I can't control my own mood and anger anymore. One moment I can feel amazing and happy and the other it all crashes and then I can't think about anything that's good anymore. I've been having allot of suicidal thoughts lately and tbh they're getting worse whenever my mood crashes and they linger for ages.

I often feel extremely scared, causing me to get allot of trouble breathing properly. I feel really isolated, it's hard to describe honestly. It's like I'm stuck at the bottom of the ocean and there is no way out. At times my urges I get extreme urges to self harm and I just want them to go away.

Now, recently I have gotten a therapist and I'm too scared to tell her about these things. I know I should and all that but I'm not an open person. Tbh it's taking me allot of effort typing this out.

I just feel like there is no hope left for me and tbh I hate life. I'm done with everything. I often feel like I just want to run away and get hit by a car.I often feel like a failure and I fuck up allot. In school I am a completely different person, I turn into a massive asshole who insults everyone, laughs with things I shouldn't laugh at and when home I turn into an extremely sensitive scared person with 0 self esteem. I don't know who I am anymore, I feel so lost. My emotions are all over the place and I really can't describe them at all.

I guess this is the end of my post, just had to vent really

Flapjack
October 27th, 2016, 05:13 PM
Brammmmm I am so sorry you feel like this!!! First things first, Jack is always here for you should you need him!! Whether that is to rant or ask for advice or whatever I'm here :)

Have you thought about meds for the mood swings? I know there are reasons why getting them would be difficult for you but my sister is on them and they work great! Other than that maybe work on managing your mood swings? I am not too sure how to do this without meds though buddy!!

Pleaseeeeee tell your therapist!!! She won't judge you and she's there to help!!:) You will feel so relieved when you do tell her and she can help :)

Amethyst Rose
October 27th, 2016, 05:51 PM
I seriously almost cried reading this Bram, I really hate that you're going through this and I have been through a similar time. I wish I would have found VT then - I think I would have benefited from finding other people to talk to going through similar things and getting that extra support. Any time you need to talk I'm here for you, if you want advice or to vent or even just need a distraction. Tell your therapist, that's what she is there for and she can't help if you don't tell her what's going on. It is hard to open up at first, especially since you haven't known her long, but just do it when you are ready and she won't judge you. I'm here for you always, things will get better bud you just have to keep trying. :)

Periphery
October 29th, 2016, 05:37 AM
I have allot of trouble talking to my therapist. The problem here is that she's my neigbhour and that we go skiing with her and that just makes it worse. I'm afraid she'll tell my parents about my suicidal thoughts if I tell her and I don't want that. I simply can't open up to her, I try but I'm just not able to.

Amethyst Rose
October 29th, 2016, 09:50 AM
So that means you knew her before she became your therapist? As you see her more you'll get more comfortable opening up to her. Anything you tell her is confidential - she won't tell your parents just because she knows them.

Periphery
October 30th, 2016, 01:48 AM
The thing is, I have allot of trouble trusting people. Like there are maybe 3-4 people I actually tell about how I feel and yeah. I'm a very reserved person in general so I have allot of trouble opening up to people.

Amethyst Rose
October 30th, 2016, 09:55 AM
I can relate to that. What I did with my counselor was just open up a little at a time, not get everything out at once. By doing that you can gradually build up a trust with her. After seeing her for a while I'm sure it will get easier for you.

Periphery
October 31st, 2016, 06:15 AM
I really feel like I'm getting to the point where I won't be able to smile anymore. I have suicidal thoughts daily and I often just want to run away from home and just get hit by a car honestly. I'm only getting worse and I know when I get to that point where I won't be able to smile anymore I'll just be in a constant numb state. I drive to school by bicycle every day and the traffic is making it all worse for me. I have allot of problems trusting people and I feel like I hurt everyone who wants to help me.

Amethyst Rose
October 31st, 2016, 07:04 AM
Again I know how that feels... when I'd go out months ago the traffic would be really hard for me too. Could you ride with anyone to school?

I'm here anytime you need help, and I will smile for you until you can do it yourself.

Periphery
November 1st, 2016, 06:30 AM
I actually ride to school with 2 people, that doesn't make it easier for me though. My self esteem is at an all time low again and I feel like I'm breaking down completely. I'm leaving on a vacation tomorrow and I'm dreading it.

Honestly, I'm highly suicidal. I feel like I barely have anything left and I'm only here for 1 reason. I'm scared I may lose what is keeping me somewhat sane and just the thought of ending up alone makes me extremely scared and anxious. I feel so worthless and just hate everything about myself