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Equinox1
October 12th, 2016, 06:35 AM
I'm not going to make this long because no one really cares. I just felt like I should write something. I'm ready to die. I don't think there's a reason for me to live. I'm 16. I've tried to die 3 times now. I feel like nothing anyone says is any comfort to me. No one will care if I die. I don't have or want friends. My family doesn't want me. They wanted a daughter which I can't be. I don't feel bad though. I won't apologize. If my mom didn't want a transgender child, she shouldn't have had me. She could've aborted. They think they can break me, everyone does. I've been used and abused. It was so fun for them until now, maybe they'll even be happy when I'm gone. If everyone wants me to go, what's the point of staying? There's only so many times I can be hurt. If God loves me, why am I still like this? Why do I feel so alone? I've prayed to nearly every God I know, I pray almost every day. Nothing happens. Next, I'd be told to get on medication and to go to therapy. My drugs don't work. Therapists never listen to me, I've seen seven. They've given me such 'helpful' advice. I wasn't sexually abused. I'm not transgender. It's normal to cry all the time. My learning disability is bullshit. I fake being sick for attention. Why should I keep talking when no one's listening? Then, people will tell me that I have so much more to live for. What is there? I don't want money. I don't want a job. I don't want children. I don't want to marry. I don't want to have sex. I don't want love. I don't want to be awake. That's all you're supposed to do in life. What's the point of having money? I know that I need food and water but that's only to keep me alive for even longer. There's no point in having material possessions because I'll die one day anyway, they'll only bring me brief happiness, why would I want to buy them? There's nothing I have an interest in, there's no occupation I want. I don't have any skills so it's not like I could get one, even if I wanted to. The world is too overpopulated and I'd be a horrible parent anyway. I don't want love so what's the point of marrying? I don't feel attracted to people, despite the insistence that I will. I will have kids. I will get married. Whatever.

No one wants me around anyway. I know that, they've told me. I'm horrible to look at. My hair. My face. My weight. I'm annoying, I don't know how to have a conversation. They all want me to shut the fuck up. So I do. But then I 'never say anything' and that's annoying too. I can't win. I can't run away, I don't have anywhere to go. I bet it was so funny for all the teachers too, to single me out and pick on me, just because I have social anxiety. I loved someone once, I guess and he loves me but as soon as he finds out I'm transgender, he'll leave me anyway. Soon I won't be some treasure, I'll just be a freak. And no, we're not dating so don't worry about me 'trapping' him.

If there is an afterlife, I'm going to hell. I know that already. If not, then I'll just die and that'll be it. I don't feel bad about dying because it's not going to upset anyone. Not my family. Not my 'friends'. Not my teachers. Not my therapist. Not me.

Tyson S
October 12th, 2016, 08:37 PM
This is a sad post :( I do hope you don't follow through with dying because life is much much more than that.

If you want anyone to talk to message me :) or post on my wall :)

Microcosm
October 13th, 2016, 06:38 PM
Equinox1

You're capable of so much more than all of this. The world seems so small when everyone is against you. I know that. But the reality is that the world is a big place, and right now you're a speck in all of it. That isn't to say that you don't matter; that's to say that you have potential to grow so much bigger than that. These people are just bits within your life and they're trying to take control. If you can wield control and do something extraordinary, you'll see that your life is so much more capable of great success. The key is to disconnect yourself from this negativity however possible and strive for greater things. Even if that seems impossible, I believe you can find a way.

You don't need comfort; you seem more to need a reason to live. The fact that you don't have one now, though, is a blessing. It means you can find one; go out and make your own purpose. Those around you can never decide what you can do with your life. Once you get past them, the world is yours.

jamie_n5
October 14th, 2016, 07:35 PM
First there is plenty to live for. I can only imagine what you are going through and how you feel. Is there some clinic or help center you can go to? You should be on medicine to stop your development as a girl. I feel so bad for you that your family and no one will help you and accept you as transgender. Maybe social services could help. I just don't know. I wish there were something I could do for you or some place I knew for sure to send you to. Please keep being strong and praying to the one God. I know that my faith and God saved me from suicide and that it keeps me going every day. I am in constant pain(physical pain) so I have somewhat of idea what it's like when your prayers don't seem to help you or stop the pain or get you to be accepted. I will pray for you and I sure hope that you can find some place to go for help where they will accept you and help you be the person you need to be. Hang in there man.

heresjohnny
October 16th, 2016, 04:33 PM
You wrote a nice long post. Why did you write a long post when you said that no one will care? Because people do care. It may not seem that way, but we do.

You say you have no skills, but you're only 16. Your whole life is ahead of you. Your skills are yet to be realized. No one knows your future until it happens, but it will.

Ethan_Elric
October 16th, 2016, 04:59 PM
If you want to be rid of your current issues, of course dying is one option, but there is the fact to take into account that dying by your own hand is the one true way to be alone. Once it's done there's no going back. No chance to right the wrongs and no chance to taste the good life. You said you prayed, but look around you. We humans are here to support ourselves and each other. If there is a God he/she is letting us thrive on our own. After 18 years I've learned a valuable lesson. The kind ones with the most obstacles in front of them have the greater purpose that will change the world. Keep your head up, the sun is shining, the oxygen is breathable. The fact that you had 16 years of life is proof you are worth it. I hope for at least 100 more years of life for you.

Just JT
October 16th, 2016, 05:10 PM
Sorry, but you are wrong. People do care, lots of people care. It's just really hard to recognize sometimes. Especially when you have so much pain in your life. Believe me, I know where your coming from on so many levels. Been in your shoes on many times on many of the same issues. But you do recognize thet God loves you, and if you love God back, then you will see that is all the love you need, and you will love yourslef. God put you here, and for a dam good reason, so let his work follow through, and allow your life to end on gods terms, not yours.

16 years isn't long, give it a chance, talk to people, you just have t found the right people yet. Sometimes you'll only find that 1 person, and not people. It's quality not quantity. Keep looking, and don't give up!!

:hug:

MattyMattyy
October 17th, 2016, 01:08 PM
Hey. Your post is really deep and emotional, wow. But, if I can, I'd like to try and convince you that there's a reason to live (that's if you haven't already been convinced by the amazing people here). There's always a reason to live :). I'm sure your family love you and will continue to love you regardless of your gender identity. Even if they don't show it often or at all. If you don't think so then it's still nothing to worry about. We strive for independence as humans, and this just means that yours will be even greater. And God still does love you, every time you feel neglected, mistreated, etc. just recite Bible verse in your head "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." -Jesus Christ (can't remember the verse). The Lord will help you, though it's not always instant. When the Israelites were enslaved in Egypt, it took Moses a fair bit of time to liberate them. God has a plan for you, a better future, and He's at work making your life better. In the meantime, why not find something you like to do? If life doesn't seem like there's a purpose, you might just not have discovered it yet. Scour the internet and find something you're really passionate about and donate some time to it. It could be as simple as just going out for a walk now and then. You'll find that if you ensconce your mind in something else, all the troubles and doubts and fears will float away. The world's not overpopulated, there's always space for you. And, final thought, you're not going to hell, the Holy ones understand your suffering and God can empathize with you. He sees you praying and as long as you look up to Him and accept Him as Lord, He'll accept you into Heaven. And if you were to commit suicide, it would upset people even if you don't know it. It's easy for people to pick on others and cast them out but there's always someone who likes you and would be devasted if they could never see you again.

Contact prompt removed ~Lost Horizon

Shock96
October 20th, 2016, 12:11 AM
Hi,

I don't know you, and am just recently becoming active on these forums in general, but I can tell you that people do care. You might not know they do-- hell, you might not have even met them yet, but there is someone out there who does. You will meet them eventually.

You might have heard this before, you might not have-- you might not believe it, but it's true-- life WILL get better. You might feel like there is no reason for living right now. You said that you don't want anything in life, so why continue living? Why try for anything you don't want? That's a very common sign on depression (lack of interest in anything/lack of pleasure from activities you used to enjoy).

1 in 4 people in the world suffer from some form of depression, most often due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. Being in a lousy situation doesn't help either. There are lots of medications out there, you just need to find one that works for you-- the same goes for therapists. I'm sorry you've had such bad luck with them so far. Many people believe that all medications that they have out there for depression make you feel like a "zombie" or make you feel fake happiness, but that's not so. Many of them just stop the chemicals i your brain that are acting to literally prevent you from feeling happiness.

You say you don't care, but I think the fact that you posted here says otherwise-- you've taken a step to improve your situation: reaching out to people. And I know I'm not alone when I say I'm very proud of you for that. Life is worth living, but it's up to you to figure out the reasons why.

It won't be an easy fight, but it will be worth it. We're all here for you, so let me/us know if there is anything we can do for you. We are all here to help.

Matt