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View Full Version : I thought I could just avoid having to come out to anyone


City Kid
October 2nd, 2016, 06:56 PM
Turns out I was wrong. I just feel like I'm lying to everyone in my life. I always thought that my friends "don't even care" and that "it's none of their business". Since I'm currently in a long-term relationship with a guy, I also felt like my sexuality was irrelevant.

But I just watched a video about a coming out story on YouTube and it made me feel so frustrated. I've been thinking, reading and talking a lot about this topic during the last few months.

A few days ago I was at my boyfriend's place. I played Sims and I created a lesbian couple. A few hours later, I said something like "You know, I'm confused about-" and my boyfriend just finished my sentence with "your sexuality?" I was thinking about something else entirely when I started that sentence, but I could have easily used this opportunity to come out to him. I didn't. In fact, I even denied the whole thing when he half-jokingly talked about how he felt like I was obsessed with the topic lately.

I'm just so confused. I don't know if I'm doubting my feelings because society tells me to or if I'm just rational enough to know that they're just caused by puberty. I don't remember having a crush on a girl until a year or two ago, which is weird, since people often talk about how they already knew that they were gay or bi when they were kids. But maybe I've always been like this, too, and have just never acknowledged it?

It all seems so strange to me. I basically shifted from identifying as straight to bisexual heteroromantic to straight again to bi to queer. And I'm scared that I'm actually straight but since I know so many girls who are bi I'm just subconsciously doing it to fit in.

Why do I know so many bisexual girls and so few bisexual guys, anyway? Is it because it's more socially acceptable to be bi as a girl, or is what my boyfriend says about women's sexuality really true? He believes that women can't know their sexuality for certain until they're in their 20s. But why does he think that this only applies to women?

I hate feeling this confused.

ska8er
October 4th, 2016, 03:44 PM
U r cpnfused big time-when the time is right and u know
u found the right person and u sense that ur family and
friends can handle u declaring that u r either this or that
then u will know to open up and come out. Since u r not
sure and debating whether it is this way or that way u r
not ready right now. Just b u and quit labeling urself.

jamie_n5
October 5th, 2016, 12:24 PM
I am very sorry that you are struggling so hard right now. We are all at this awkward age where there is so many things happening to our minds, bodies and the world around us. I think if you really do some soul searching that you really know in your heart at 17 what you true sexuality is. You may be scared of what family and friends will think and say. You can't bottle up all these feelings and emotions any more. Let the real you come out and be at peace with yourself. It may be bumpy at first but things will all come together for you if you let them. I wish you very good luck.

damon_fl
October 14th, 2016, 01:45 PM
Dont worry about the label. just be u!

there isnt some rulebook that says bisexuals must have an equal number of boy and girl crushes or anything. call urself what u want, love who u want, fuck who u want and enjoy it.

ps- i personally think ur ranthasexual. no, i just made that up, thats not a real thing.

SeansLittleBro
October 14th, 2016, 10:00 PM
I know what you are going through CityKid I have been back and forth about my own sexuality have had HUGE crushes on a few guys and i've date girls and still don't know what to "label" myself But ad Damon said above forget the labels and do what you feel you want to do be yourself if you turn out str8/bi/lesb it doesn't matter as long as you are true to youself I tend to say i'm bi having dated and been with girls but i also lean toward gay because i really am emotionally attracted to guys I, like you, have some growing to do and who knows in 5 years who i'll be but whoever it is it will be ME for ME

Bull
October 15th, 2016, 06:08 AM
A few days ago I was at my boyfriend's place. I said something like "You know, I'm confused about-" and my boyfriend just finished my sentence with "your sexuality?" I was thinking about something else entirely when I started that sentence, but I could have easily used this opportunity to come out to him. I didn't. In fact, I even denied the whole thing when he half-jokingly talked about how he felt like I was obsessed with the topic lately.


I hate feeling this confused.

You have a boyfriend and you feel you need to "come out" to him? I would think he knows.

Yeah, I get the confused part. Guess we all go through that. We are who we are, we need to accept that fact and live our lives. I have never "come out" as in making an announcement: "Hey, btw I am bisexual." But I am out in the sense that my partner and I are seen as a couple and that we live together. Our friends and families are totally aware and supportive.

ImCoolBeans
October 15th, 2016, 11:30 AM
I think guys talk about their sexuality with their friends far less openly than girls do. Guys might brag about sex or whatever, but I think guys generally feel like they can't talk about feelings they have for the same sex as openly as girls feel they can. I don't think this is the case for everybody, as everyone is different, but generally speaking.

I believe that sexuality is fluid and has the possibility to change throughout the course of your life. If you don't remember having any crushes or feelings for girls until recent years, you probably didn't have any until recently. That's fine, it doesn't mean that you're subconsciously trying to fit in, or trying to adhere to a counter culture or something of the like. It just means that your sexuality has possibly changed and developed as you changed, developed, and became more mature.

If you feel like you're not ready to come out, you don't have to. Nobody is trying to force you. Your boyfriend might be curious about it and he may even know, but if you feel uncomfortable talking about it with him then you don't have to until you're ready. In my opinion I think he would be supportive seeing as he brought it up, but take things at the pace that you are comfortable with. If you do decide to come out to him I would maybe tell him that you were still having doubts or were still a little confused, since you recently told him you are straight.

City Kid
October 20th, 2016, 04:43 PM
You have a boyfriend and you feel you need to "come out" to him? I would think he knows.
Well, he probably suspects that something's up, but since he's never heard me call myself anything other than heterosexual, he definitely doesn't know for sure.

I think guys talk about their sexuality with their friends far less openly than girls do. Guys might brag about sex or whatever, but I think guys generally feel like they can't talk about feelings they have for the same sex as openly as girls feel they can. I don't think this is the case for everybody, as everyone is different, but generally speaking.
I agree. This whole process would probably be even more difficult for me if I was a guy. But at the same time, it seems like bisexual girls are sometimes taken less seriously than guys. I know a few girls that would make out with a girl just to seem sexy to a guy, so people like this are probably the reason why.

I believe that sexuality is fluid and has the possibility to change throughout the course of your life. If you don't remember having any crushes or feelings for girls until recent years, you probably didn't have any until recently. That's fine, it doesn't mean that you're subconsciously trying to fit in, or trying to adhere to a counter culture or something of the like. It just means that your sexuality has possibly changed and developed as you changed, developed, and became more mature.
Thank you. This honestly made me feel a lot better about myself. :)

If you feel like you're not ready to come out, you don't have to. Nobody is trying to force you. Your boyfriend might be curious about it and he may even know, but if you feel uncomfortable talking about it with him then you don't have to until you're ready. In my opinion I think he would be supportive seeing as he brought it up, but take things at the pace that you are comfortable with. If you do decide to come out to him I would maybe tell him that you were still having doubts or were still a little confused, since you recently told him you are straight.
I do feel ready to come out... I'm just scared that this is a "phase" after all. Nobody would take me seriously anymore if I convince them that I'm attracted to girls just to take it all back later on. Apart from that, I don't think coming out to my boyfriend, my friends and even my mum would be that difficult. But my dad is pretty conservative, he's against gay marriage and all that. I don't really want to come out to him unless it's absolutely necessary.