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davdev17
September 20th, 2016, 10:51 PM
I have to make a blog for my Creative Writing class and am going to be posting stuff here before I post it there so I can get some feedback.

davdev17
September 20th, 2016, 10:52 PM
My first post:
Wasted Wishes

"Blow the dandelion seeds and make a wish."

"Blow out the candles and make a wish."

the wind from my breath must blow away my wishes. they never come true.

"If you see a shooting star make a wish."

i think my wishes are burning up in the atmosphere like those falling rocks.

"If you tell anybody your wish then it won't come true."

why won't my wishes come true? i haven't told anybody them.

maybe i don't deserve to have my wishes come true.

why?

why have i waste my wishes on lies?

Gwen
September 21st, 2016, 12:05 PM
I'd suggest reading what you write aloud, that can usually help you fix the flow. I think the repetition of the word 'wish' is a bit heavy handed and if you just keep the same premise but rewrite some of the more drawn out and mouthy sentences it'd be good. Elsewise the only other problem is just needing capitalisation and fixing up the last sentence (waste -> wasted).

davdev17
September 21st, 2016, 10:45 PM
I purposely made the stuff not capitalized and wanted repetition to add emphasis. Thank you for the feedback!

davdev17
September 21st, 2016, 10:46 PM
Tamagotchi

Where has my Tamagotchi gone?

I need to find my Tamagotchi.

I don't know what I'll do without my Tamagotchi.

It's been too long since I had my Tamag0tchi.



People say that I am too old to have a Tamagotchi.

I need to grow up and get rid of my Tamagotchi.

Things won't be the same without my Tamagotchi.

Why can't I have my Tamagotchi?



Here my Tamagotchi is.

Too bad my Tamagotchi is dead.