View Full Version : [Trigger Warning](?) Urges

August 21st, 2016, 08:24 AM
I've been fighting back urges recently, they've started tickling at my wrist in particular. The suicidal urges are coming back, the will to live is again becoming hazy.

Don't worry though, I don't want to die either, and overall, as I'm a logical person, I see it as more logical to just go through with everything and see what happens, because I may not get another chance.

I just want to kind of vent my feelings right now. I'm an absolute paradox:
I don't want to die; I want to die
I hate myself; I love myself
I'm a failure; I'm a genius
My future is uncertain; I'm going to become a doctor
I'm happy; I'm not
I'm one person; But I'm many
Within my head lies one mind; Raging within lies Legion, for they are many
I am content with all I have; I wish I had more, so much more
I have good friends and family; I'm alone in this world with nobody to share my life with
I know myself; I know not who I am

I don't know. I'm just rambling, I know that. I just want the chaos, the tempest within to die down and finish. I don't want the relief that I used to get, I don't want to go back there, even as tempting as it may be, even as my flesh trembles and boils with the itch to cut once more, deeper and with more malice than ever. I just want peace.

August 21st, 2016, 08:35 AM
I understand what you are talking about. I feel like that a lot, too in certain phases of my bipolar cycles.

It's hard to tell you what to do to feel better. For me I just try to relax and in the end somehow it works out but I haven't found any real cure since all the feelings come back a few months later.

Just JT
August 21st, 2016, 10:55 AM
Yeah I agree with Peanut_ here. I think some of what you say we all go through degree. The difference is to what degree and what you choose to do with that e edgy....

Can I offer a suggestion?
You wrote some words there in a list
You could pretty easily write that into a poem ya no?
Productive positive distracting energy

October 21st, 2016, 04:07 PM
I understand that need to find peace. I used to feel like that too, up until May 16 2014. That was the day that I found peace. How did I find peace? Through Jesus. He is the only one who can bring you true peace that will last forever :)

October 26th, 2016, 09:49 AM
I'm quite the logical person so I understand what you mean. It's like when you're a kid and you manage to balance the light switch; a walking contradiction. The fact you want to continue to see where this goes is a positive sign, and it also shows control. You might not feel it, or believe it, but I promise you it is. Trust someone you've never met or spoken to before, things will look up. It may be tomorrow, it may be a year, it may be 20. And that can be daunting. But you can do many things. I'd recommend music, and recently I've taken to finding quotes- it sounds stupid but from shows or song lyrics I like and relate too. I'd tell you not to hide it, but being realistic you will only tell people you really trust. That could be no one or lots of people. But if you can distract yourself, you'll see what tomorrow brings.
Hope this helped

November 13th, 2016, 09:07 PM
I understand what you mean. I also feel like im constantly struggling to fight against myself. I feel like when im around others i feel okay, but when im by myself im just beating myself up