PDA

View Full Version : Lost and hopeless


Jakeremix
August 15th, 2016, 08:59 PM
Hi there everyone. I'll probably regret posting this, but I'm going to give it a shot now, because honestly, I don't know what else to do at this point.

I am very confident that I have some form of depression. Thing is, I have felt depressed for a little over two years now, but it was more of an on-and-off thing. But when it hit, it hit HARD. There were times when I would just completely break down (sometimes when triggered, sometimes for no particular reason) and lock myself away in my room for days. These episodes happened once or twice a month, and even when I wasn't presently filled with grief, there were still those thoughts of sadness and desperation looming over me.

But a few weeks ago, I think I hit an all-time-low. I got into an extreme fight with my mom (we both said some unimaginably nasty things to each other), which resulted in me barely leaving my room or talking to anyone in the following week. After the initial stages of rage had passed, both of my parents talked to me, apologizing and wanting to have a conversation with me. For many reasons, I do not have a good relationship with either of my parents, so I rejected their attempts to talk. My mom reached out a few more times after that, but I continued to ignore her.

While I have started to respond to them, leave my room, and eat again, nothing is the same at all. I feel like, more than ever, I am showing the signs of depression--I don't want to leave my bed, I am constantly bored, I'm tired (and yet have trouble going to sleep at night), I don't have any interest in playing video games or hanging out with friends like I usually do, and most notably, I feel like I am trapped in box that has no exit.

It's not simply because of the argument--it is the result of every thought and emotion that I have held in for the past two years. I am extremely insecure, I don't think I have a future, it seems as though nobody cares about me (there are MANY things that have led up to me feeling this way), I'm still in the closet as bi, and I am sick to my stomach at the thought of returning to school in three days and beginning my senior year (which is already on the wrong track). I could go on and on about everything that occupies my mind on a daily basis.

I have not confided these things to anyone. I am actually terrified to tell my friends, as I don't even know how they would approach a situation like this. I don't feel secure talking to my extended family (they have always thought I was selfish when I had the breakdowns that I previously mentioned), and even if I wanted to tell all of this to my parents now and seek help, I don't even know how I would go about it, seeing as they seem to have lost interest in helping me at this point.

I could go much more in depth, but this is the basis of everything. I don't know what to do or where to go now, and with school almost here, things are bound to get worse.

Bmble_B
August 15th, 2016, 09:04 PM
I read this entirely and I truly wish I could do more than send words through a screen, but I will try my best give advice. I have been depressed before, not to the extent you seem to be, but I've went through something similar. Please, for the love of God get a therapist or anything similar to that. You say you don't know how to go about asking your parents for help, but from what you said before, how they tried to talk to you after the big fight, my assumption is that they still care for you. So whatever is holding you back from getting help, please try to overcome the obstacle. You're young and have an entire life ahead of you and I'd hate to see that get into jeopardy because of this, please ask your parents for professional help.
I wish you the best

Just JT
August 15th, 2016, 09:07 PM
You may have depression. But I'm having a hard time u defeat sing the whole arguing and fighting thing. Can you let us in a little more on that?

Desynchronized
August 16th, 2016, 04:30 AM
I'm really sorry to hear that. You should seek some medical help. It seems like your depression has progressed alot. And thats no good. Good luck mate.

jamie_n5
August 16th, 2016, 03:08 PM
I think you need to ask your parents to make an appointment with a phycologist or physiatrist. I think your depression has gone past the point where you can beat it on your own and you need professional help to get you back on key again.

Jakeremix
August 16th, 2016, 05:12 PM
You may have depression. But I'm having a hard time u defeat sing the whole arguing and fighting thing. Can you let us in a little more on that?

Some background and my mom and me: We were best friends when I was young (probably up until I was 12), and then the normal teenage things happened and we drifted apart. In the last two years, however, things went very sour between us. Among many things, she has tried to make me feel stupid on a daily basis, called me hurtful names, belittled my problems (telling me how much worse she had it), treated me like the scapegoat of our family (I have two younger brothers), and played the victim. I know these things seem minor when compared to how other parents treat their children, but after having to tolerate these things on a daily basis for that long, it has really damaged me in the long-term.

Basically what happened was this. My brother and I were arguing over something very trivial (I wanted his help with something, he refused, I turned off the PlayStation--which I own, by the way--since he had been playing all day long and wasn't currently in the middle of something). My mom heard the argument and immediately stormed in and screamed at me, telling me how awful of a person I am, how horribly I treat her, and so on. In response, I immediately told her exactly how I felt about her, saying some really nasty stuff.

Yes, she did apologize, and I know you're thinking that I solidified my own problem by not accepting it. However, this is the best way I can think to describe the situation. You know an abusive relationship in which they repeatedly hurt you in the same way but apologize every time? That's essentially what it felt like; over time, an apology becomes meaningless. Sure, I could have let all of my feelings out right then and there, but after everything that has happened, I didn't trust her at all.

My dad talked to me to, but he wasn't there when it all went down, and we have always had a very awkward relationship. Very rarely do I have a full conversation with him.

Just JT
August 16th, 2016, 05:20 PM
Well that's some background. Think you and your parents have a fairly normal relationship tbh. I mean yeah the fighting might seem a bit much and relationships seem strained but it's also a hard time for everyone. Your growing up and showing more whatever around the house. Maybe ass rive ness idk, and they may not be ready for that yet. Stuff comes out in different ways. Even for adults

jamie_n5
August 19th, 2016, 02:56 PM
Are your parents split up? You kind of make it sound like your dad is kind of out of the picture and it's just you and your brothers in the home with your mom. I would suggest that you contact social services or child services for some help and family counseling. It sounds to me that your whole family seems to be in a dysfunctional situation.