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Microcosm
July 3rd, 2016, 12:31 AM
So today I was thinking(too much, as always) about people who feel they're entitled to certain privileges in their careers, the political system, etc. for whatever reason, and it made me angry. It felt so unfair. I don't intend to have any debate about this, but it was the root cause of what has spiraled out of control into a depression for me.

I started thinking about the violence and passion that people will immerse themselves in when talking about these things, People screaming at each other and such. It feels as if this sensitivity will literally tear people apart. A girl who is possibly my best friend and I have had heated arguments in the past. I consider us to be quite close, but I could never even imagine losing her or someone like my parents or my close family. This arguing will one day tear us apart. It is such a lonely and depressing thought, but I've convinced myself of it.

I went to see a movie with her today, and I afterwards felt like crying and hugging her and telling her I never wanted to lose her, but I didn't do anything like that. I feel like telling her that all the time. I don't know. It's attachment at its finest, and it's extremely dangerous and destructive, but I feel that without it, I wouldn't be nearly as human, like a part of my own self, as an emotional human being, is dependent on the presence of others. By extension, this feeling often makes me feel like dying. As if part of me will physically die from this.

I legitimately feel like I cannot withstand the pressure that this feeling causes. I know that one day everyone will go away. I will go to college, and part of me will feel so dead. I'm in tenth grade now, but I have no doubt that the day will come.

Then, however, there is the other side to this. There are the poisonous and acidic people in the world. There are enough of these people that their existence prompts me to feel even greater depression. I cannot fight these people. Anyone who wants to physically overpower me probably could. Even if I tried to learn to fight them in some way, it seems as if it ultimately would not matter as there will always be more. People are cruel, sometimes. The very existence of these cruel people makes me feel like dying because I cannot defend myself and the ones I care about. They could be taken away from me at any second, and there is nothing I could do. And, to boot, if there was something I could do, I doubt I'd have the guts to do it.

Here is what makes it even worse. After thinking about this for hours, I started saying to myself that "I shouldn't have to deal with this," that in my current condition as a sixteen year old boy, developing mentally and unstable mentally for that reason, am entitled to protection from all of this. And then I sighed at the fact that I too, felt entitled. The world around me is crushing down upon me and I feel that I need to reach outside of that world for some help, some ultimate justice to save me from my condition. I am only scared, and helpless. I feel that I cannot adequately help myself, and, for this reason, search and cling to the help of others. This cycle will seemingly go on forever until no one is left to help me or support me, and my true self will be exposed as a scared, entitled, helpless, hopeless individual. I do honestly believe as well that this is what I am reduced to in times of depression like this. I don't want to depend on others in this way, but I can't motivate myself to do it. This entitled feeling definitely won't help either.

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This has been basically a rant. I don't intend to sound like I "deserve" anyone's help, but it would be nice.

Flapjack
July 3rd, 2016, 04:28 AM
You should tell that friend how you feel buddy and you cannot physically overpower everyone, there is always someone more powerful than you and if you're more powerful than them, they'll have a gun. Try to fight those you disagree with politically with facts and ideas:)

Microcosm
July 3rd, 2016, 03:02 PM
You should tell that friend how you feel buddy and you cannot physically overpower everyone, there is always someone more powerful than you and if you're more powerful than them, they'll have a gun. Try to fight those you disagree with politically with facts and ideas:)

You're right. I slept on it, and I figured two parts to my problem:

-I'm thinking in too much of an idealized manner. I'm subconsciously wanting everything to work out in the end and that's meddling with my interpretation of the present, and, by extension, ensuring that the end will not turn out as well as I'd originally hoped, making the situation worse by then.
-As an extension of the first part, I'm not thinking in the present. I'm not present in the present time. I'm sort of running on auto-pilot so-to-speak because I am so caught up with things I have no real control over.

Just JT
July 3rd, 2016, 04:28 PM
TheFlapjack made a good point about power and how you can combat it in your life. And with that power, also comes control, is why you feel you are on auto pilot. But keep in mind at our age, what kinda control do we really have in our lives right now anyways?

Yeah it might not be all of what you want, you may feel insecure, or unsafe, right now, but right. Ow is all you have really. Other than that all you have are memories and expectations. Memories you'll have forever, and expectation will either be meet or not depending on how good of an auto pilot you have.

See, we can't see the future at all, we can only predict what will happen. So if you predict or feel like this or that will happen, you might be right, but......if your right, then you can be in a position to make decisions at some point in time that might change how you perceive your expectations of the future. And move in that direction in life.

Yes, auto pilot now, but in a few years, your in the drivers seat, so I'd do some more drivers Ed classes lol!!!

DriveAlive
July 3rd, 2016, 05:33 PM
I hope this does not make you feel worse, but for the rest of your life, people will try to ruin, control, subvert, or destroy you at every turn. However, you are emotionally strong enough and perceptive enough to not just navigate through the waters, but actually overcome these people.

jamie_n5
July 3rd, 2016, 11:58 PM
Well my friend I know the pressures of today's society really affect us all. I agree but we are also up against all of today's problems and prejudices. I think that you need to express your feeling with this girl. I don't think that the world has anything to do with this. Express your thoughts to her and try establish an relationship if you wish.