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View Full Version : I was totally stupid to think this would never come back


Fiction
April 28th, 2016, 01:10 PM
I can't believe how far i've fallen lately.

I had severe depression in my mid teens, with hospitalised suicide attempts but between the ages of about 16 and 20 I was so much better. Far from perfect but I felt like I had a future and not everyday was a struggle. But you can't have been that depressed and expect remission from that to last can you? And I was stupid to think so.

I'm back to everyday being a struggle. I'm back to suicidal thoughts.

I decided to be sensible this time and make an appointment with my doctor, but it's not until the 24th of May. I can't wait that long. I'm scared i'll do something. I'm just not sure really how to access help any sooner.

I've been going to therapy at my university since about October now. I changed from individual therapy to group therapy about a month and a half ago, so I haven't mentioned feeling this bad.

I can't talk to my family or friends about this type of thing at all. I only have my boyfriend and he's finding it more than a little difficult. But so did everyone before him. But that's why I need to sort this.

It's ruining my life.

ImCoolBeans
April 28th, 2016, 03:33 PM
I've seen your other posts about alcohol, and I think that could play a big part in this. Quitting drinking is not easy and can take a huge toll on your emotions, especially if you were drinking in excess often.

You're not stupid, Kathy. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Look at what you have overcome in the past. I've known you for about six years now, Kathy, and I have never for a second thought of you as stupid or weak. I know you've been through a lot, some of it together even, but I don't know many people, if any, who have overcome what you have. Your life isn't over, and you absolutely still have a future. You have proof that things can get better, as you've seen it happen for yourself. Life isn't always going to be easy, especially if you have a history of depression, but you can't expect it to always be like this.

If you feel like you can't be as open in group therapy as you can in one on one, then perhaps you should speak to your therapist about switching back to one on one therapy. It would be beneficial to you to be able to speak more freely than feel like others might be judging.

Fiction
April 28th, 2016, 04:51 PM
I've seen your other posts about alcohol, and I think that could play a big part in this. Quitting drinking is not easy and can take a huge toll on your emotions, especially if you were drinking in excess often.

You're not stupid, Kathy. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Look at what you have overcome in the past. I've known you for about six years now, Kathy, and I have never for a second thought of you as stupid or weak. I know you've been through a lot, some of it together even, but I don't know many people, if any, who have overcome what you have. Your life isn't over, and you absolutely still have a future. You have proof that things can get better, as you've seen it happen for yourself. Life isn't always going to be easy, especially if you have a history of depression, but you can't expect it to always be like this.

If you feel like you can't be as open in group therapy as you can in one on one, then perhaps you should speak to your therapist about switching back to one on one therapy. It would be beneficial to you to be able to speak more freely than feel like others might be judging.

Thanks for your reply Mike.

Yeah the alcohol has a lot to do with it. I was binge drinking 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes with friends but often alone. It was an unhealthy coping mechanism but a functional one, one that did it's job. It kept me stable after my ex left me.

That same ex deleted me off Facebook and told me I was no longer conducive to his life anymore and that I was a liability and hard to cope with last week. Harsh after 3 and a half years together. Then to find out about the health problems associated with alcohol this week, well without alcohol you lose a huge social aspect too. I will find it hard to go out to a pub and not drink, if I don't go to the pub with friends socialising And meeting up with friends will be hard. And that's without the actual difficulties of just stopping drinking.

It has honestly felt like losing everything at once. My ex, alcohol and my social life.

Then tonight my boyfriend told me he was distancing himself because I'm difficult to cope with. It's a story that's echoed throughout my life and it's not like I don't try. If there's one thing good I can say about myself it's that I've always dealt with things as best as I can, but sometimes it's not enough and maybe I'm just not meant to be.

The therapy is through uni so they have strict quotas on how much one to one therapy you can get. Honestly I didn't find that helpful either. But then I only felt I could tell them so much. I still can't talk about anything to do with Hollie.

That's why I'm going to the NHS. Maybe they'll actually give me medication now I'm older. But then I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Your reply really was appreciated Mike, thanks.

ImCoolBeans
April 28th, 2016, 06:27 PM
Thanks for your reply Mike.

Yeah the alcohol has a lot to do with it. I was binge drinking 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes with friends but often alone. It was an unhealthy coping mechanism but a functional one, one that did it's job. It kept me stable after my ex left me.

That same ex deleted me off Facebook and told me I was no longer conducive to his life anymore and that I was a liability and hard to cope with last week. Harsh after 3 and a half years together. Then to find out about the health problems associated with alcohol this week, well without alcohol you lose a huge social aspect too. I will find it hard to go out to a pub and not drink, if I don't go to the pub with friends socialising And meeting up with friends will be hard. And that's without the actual difficulties of just stopping drinking.

It has honestly felt like losing everything at once. My ex, alcohol and my social life.

Then tonight my boyfriend told me he was distancing himself because I'm difficult to cope with. It's a story that's echoed throughout my life and it's not like I don't try. If there's one thing good I can say about myself it's that I've always dealt with things as best as I can, but sometimes it's not enough and maybe I'm just not meant to be.

The therapy is through uni so they have strict quotas on how much one to one therapy you can get. Honestly I didn't find that helpful either. But then I only felt I could tell them so much. I still can't talk about anything to do with Hollie.

That's why I'm going to the NHS. Maybe they'll actually give me medication now I'm older. But then I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Your reply really was appreciated Mike, thanks.

If quitting has made you feel this way, that should be a good reason to not go back, stopping again will be just as difficult. Sure it may have made you feel OK at times but are the repercussions, both physically and mentally, really worth it? As for the social aspect, you can find things to do that don't involve alcohol. Have you talked to your friends about this? If they know that you're having a hard time with this they might be able to help you find other social activities to partake in.

It can be tough to have loved ones leave your life, but maybe it's for the better if he was your ex. Him remaining in your life could keep you from moving on.

If you can't receive the one on one therapy at school anymore then going through NHS could be helpful. In the meantime, maybe you could try being a little bit more open in group therapy? It might help to talk some things out face to face with people. Have you ever spoken about Hollie with a therapist one on one?

Are you still playing music, Kathy?

Fiction
April 28th, 2016, 07:12 PM
If quitting has made you feel this way, that should be a good reason to not go back, stopping again will be just as difficult. Sure it may have made you feel OK at times but are the repercussions, both physically and mentally, really worth it? As for the social aspect, you can find things to do that don't involve alcohol. Have you talked to your friends about this? If they know that you're having a hard time with this they might be able to help you find other social activities to partake in.

It can be tough to have loved ones leave your life, but maybe it's for the better if he was your ex. Him remaining in your life could keep you from moving on.

If you can't receive the one on one therapy at school anymore then going through NHS could be helpful. In the meantime, maybe you could try being a little bit more open in group therapy? It might help to talk some things out face to face with people. Have you ever spoken about Hollie with a therapist one on one?

Are you still playing music, Kathy?

None of my friends know about my problem with alcohol. I mean they know on one level- there's always comments about how I drink more than anyone else. How I always say "just one" and it never is, but I've never told them about the drinking I do alone so they don't really know it's an issue and I'd rather they didn't know. I don't think they'd understand anyway, I tried to bring up my blood test results suggesting alcohol harming me with my friend and said I couldn't drink, she told me not to be silly and just to cut down and that the blood test results where to do with me having lost so my weight recently (which is a possible cause, I'll know more about that when my other blood tests come through next week).

Perhaps I should try more in group therapy but there's a lot of disruption with my group at the moment- lots of people leaving and new people starting which makes it even harder too.

I once mentioned Hollie in one to one therapy. It took me so long to have the courage to bring it up and I decided I finally would. My therapist was so dismissive of the whole thing and I never had the guts to bring it up again.
Especially after her whole disbelief at how we were fooled by Hollie, I felt like she was judging me.

No I no longer do music, when I moved to London almost 3 years ago I didn't bring a guitar with me.

ImCoolBeans
April 28th, 2016, 07:33 PM
None of my friends know about my problem with alcohol. I mean they know on one level- there's always comments about how I drink more than anyone else. How I always say "just one" and it never is, but I've never told them about the drinking I do alone so they don't really know it's an issue and I'd rather they didn't know. I don't think they'd understand anyway, I tried to bring up my blood test results suggesting alcohol harming me with my friend and said I couldn't drink, she told me not to be silly and just to cut down and that the blood test results where to do with me having lost so my weight recently (which is a possible cause, I'll know more about that when my other blood tests come through next week).

Perhaps I should try more in group therapy but there's a lot of disruption with my group at the moment- lots of people leaving and new people starting which makes it even harder too.

I once mentioned Hollie in one to one therapy. It took me so long to have the courage to bring it up and I decided I finally would. My therapist was so dismissive of the whole thing and I never had the guts to bring it up again.
Especially after her whole disbelief at how we were fooled by Hollie, I felt like she was judging me.

No I no longer do music, when I moved to London almost 3 years ago I didn't bring a guitar with me.

Your friend might not realize that it's an issue, and passed it off because you haven't really been open with them about it. Not everyone is great at reading in between the lines, you might need to be more up front about it if suggesting towards it didn't work. What makes you think they wouldn't understand?

The more you try or share in group therapy the more you will get out of it. I know it can be scary, especially in groups, but I think you owe it to yourself to give it a shot. You'll never know unless you try.

I'm sorry that your therapist didn't quite understand the situation. I don't think everybody will write it off the same way, though. I wouldn't give up because of one failed attempt, I think it's still worth bringing up in therapy, if you feel like you need to talk about it.

As for the music, why not? You should get your guitar as soon as possible! Even if it's not your whole set up and it's only an acoustic, I think it could bring you a lot of joy. It will also give you something to occupy your time with that doesn't involve drinking. I know you're a talented musician, I'm surprised that you stopped. Start practicing so we can jam when I finally make it across the pond :)