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Powerade1999
April 15th, 2016, 01:54 AM
Hello,
I am currently in my final year of school and have to come up with a short story about discovery to re create and mould to an exam question, here is what I have so far:


A cocktail of Dettol and unrest caressed her face as she wandered past the clamour of the wards, each ward surfing through the spectrum of emotions, each voice being replaced by another, tears of joy replaced with screams of pain. The latter she found solace, perhaps that’s why she bought herself past the wards every day, or perhaps it was a reminder of her curse of impending doom. The more wards passed the tighter the muscles in her cheeks pulled the corners of her lips towards the ceiling, each scream or cry, each death heard the more her mind would let go of her anxieties. Finally, her legs came to a halt, blocked by a towering barrier. Her bony finger extended to make contact with a piece of plastic, pushing it in until it made that satisfying click her ears desired.
“Who is it?” the speaker crackled
“Maria”
“Oh…” the speaker fell quiet “Yes, come in” The barrier which once blocked her path buzzed and swung open, the click of her heels trailed into the ward, strutting past beds D1, D2, D3, D4, D5, each bed passed the tighter the muscles in her face pulled. Finally, she would be able to converse with him about her time away, turning the corner she met bed D27, it was shrouded in a sea of white Yarrows, and blue Forget-me-not’s. Occupying the bed was a once plump face, now fallen victim to the effects of the disease. The bones inside the occupant’s face were trapped inside, trying to get out, willing for a scalpel to break the skin that wraps them and set them free, him free.
“Maria” his raspy voice desired, “Maria come here.”
Her eyes moved from surveying his face to him, the muscles in her face pulled even tighter.
“Charles!” Maria’s voice rejoiced, her arms outstretched leaning towards the figure in the bed. “Oh Charles how I missed you, Charles I …” Her voice trailed off, as did the flexing of the muscles in her face. His gaunt face faded to vacant. “Get off me, GET OFF ME, MARIA GET HER OFF ME” A young woman in clothes the colour of bones promptly hurried over. “Ma’am, you need to leave now, you're causing a scene.”
“b-b-but he said my name, he knew me, he wanted to spend time with me!”
“I’m sorry ma’am that’s not my issue, if you don’t leave now I’m afraid I am going to have to get security to escort you” Her stumpy, pallid arm pointed towards the door. “Wait outside the ward, and I will speak to you later”

*****

The tick of the clock echoed through her head like the tick of a bomb about to explode, mental anguish replaced mental serenity, with each tick the walls inched further and further towards her, with each inch her lungs protested to be quenched with the satisfaction that is air. The door buzzed, and then opened, the young woman in the bone coloured clothing staggered over to the seat. As Maria’s lungs protested, the nurse muttered:
“There’s not much we can do anymore, situations like this, it's common but…” her voice was replaced by Maria’s “No, there’s always something! There is, just, just, just” She fell silent, her hands trembling like an earthquake had hit them.
“I’m sorry ma’am this is quite common, perhaps a photo of your wedding, or some momentoes will jog his memory of your relationship.”
Maria’s head bowed to the floor, her eyes filling with the torture that is loss. “I hope it will.”

*****

Her heels tapped at a constant pace as she strode down the hallway. The clamour of wards fading into the distance like white noise.

SubEruanna
May 3rd, 2016, 11:11 AM
soooo...are you lookign for proofreading, general english advice, continuation of the story, or somebody to think of aan exam question to go with this?

SubEruanna
May 3rd, 2016, 11:15 AM
if proofreading
A cocktail of Dettol and unrest caressed her face as she wandered past the clamour of the wards, each ward surfing through the spectrum of emotions, each voice being replaced by another, tears of joy replaced with screams of pain. The latter she found solace, perhaps that’s why she bought (brought not bought. she can't buy herself) herself past the wards every day, or perhaps it was a reminder of her curse of impending doom. The more wards passed the tighter the muscles in her cheeks pulled the corners of her lips towards the ceiling, each scream or cry, each death heard the more her mind would let go of her anxieties. Finally, her legs came to a halt, blocked by a towering barrier. Her bony finger extended to make contact with a piece of plastic, pushing it in until it made that satisfying click her ears desired.
“Who is it?” the speaker crackled