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Dark_Desires
April 4th, 2016, 09:09 AM
I feel like i'm screaming to myself in silence and i need
to get this out somewhere before it kills me.

The past month has been the worst in my entire life so far.

My Girlfriend broke up with me
I was kicked out of my Home at 2am the same night
My cat that mean't the world to me is dead
I had another Suicide attempt and i was hospitalized
I broke a year of being Self harm free
After being released from Hospital and coming home i found
out that the lease was terminated so i'm homeless in 6 days
I lost my Friends and the two that still talk to me barely do
Its my Fault my ex and one of our Mutual friends self harms
That's only a small portion of it too

I was doing better than i ever have in my life and sure i had bad days
but i pushed through them with a positive attitude and determination to see
the next day and work towards my goals and what was important to me.

But After the past month its destroyed me as a person.
I hate myself again and i just want to destroy myself in silence all alone.
Thinking about all of it makes me realize how its all my fault.

Everyday i remember the night i tried
Everyday i have to remember my ex
Everyday i remember the past few months
Everyday just makes me want to die
Everyday i hate myself more and more
Everyday i blame myself for my ex Cutting and being such a mess
Everyday it tears me apart that there is nothing i can do to help
the one person i care about the most and love even after all of this
Everyday i break down crying
Every time i sleep i dream of her or that night

Part of me always believed it would get better and i had a
fire in me to survive but i don't feel anything except the need
to end this existence and how much of a fuck up i am.

I've always feared this existence ending every time i have tried,
but i'm not really afraid anymore and i have honestly done everything
I have ever really wanted to do.
And everything i care about or is important to me is gone.

So I'm not afraid of the end anymore tbh

Abhorrence
April 4th, 2016, 11:06 AM
Mental Illnesses :arrow: Mental Crisis Forum

OP request.

Microcosm
April 9th, 2016, 09:01 PM
How is it your fault that your ex started cutting?

Also, does your ex know that you still deeply care about her like this?

Dark_Desires
April 10th, 2016, 06:52 AM
How is it your fault that your ex started cutting?

Also, does your ex know that you still deeply care about her like this?

Various reasons but its my fault her and someone i used to be friends with did.

She knows i care and she called me last week crying after a awful day and kinda of spoke to me normally then once she was okay she just kinda brushed me off and back to ignoring me.

Tbh i'm over her treating me like crap saying i love you
Then i don't over and over and blaming me for everything.
After my suicide attempt she even said well if you
didn't do that there might of being a chance for us to get back together.

I wish more and more i chose the train so could actually be at peace.
I'm sick of constantly fighting to survive and building myself up to just
get thrown back down again.

And i'm sick of the never ending cycle with her.

I wish i didn't care so much or love her i wish i felt nothing
But i can't and it just keeps destroying me.
When i said why did you do this again her response was well
you let me come back into your life.
But again its my fault i made a choice.

I said to myself it couldn't get worse and somehow it did...