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CombatsAndConverse
March 13th, 2016, 08:59 PM
Wow, okay, another depressing post about my problems. Thats something I've noticed lately. I always notice my problems. I mean, I notice the positives, but it's always quickly overcome by the negatives. So let's see if I can come up with some positive things before I start this.

I had a relatively long clean streak going.
I have a new friend who is 100% ready to support me through all of this.
I finally told a close friend about all of my problems, and he promised to be there for me, too.
I get to be in the musical next year, and I'm sure I'll meet a lot of new people there.
My GPA can still be recovered.
I only have a few weeks left of school this year.
I have one week till spring break.

Okay. Okay, now that I've got a bit of perspective, I'll just. Okay. Umm. I just needed to get my thoughts in order and maybe ask for advice because I guess I've kind of hit a bump in the road.

So I've had this streak going lately. I've had at least 3 months without suicidal thoughts, four weeks without self-harm, and a week without obsessing over my reflection and such. Pretty much some of my longest streaks ever. I actually felt like I was getting somewhere. It was wonderful. I was so proud.

But...I don't know what happened, but about a week ago I cut again. And now I'm dong it at least twice a day, which I've never done before. I just all of a sudden forgot why I needed to stop. And, for the life of me, I can't motivate myself to try again. I try to think of the reasons, like the scars, and the dangers, but I never end up seeing the harm in it. I mean, I know it's wrong, but I can't shake the feeling that, as long as I'm safe, it's absolutely fine. It's my body. It's no different from if I just happened to randomly get cuts every day. It sounds stupid but...even now, typing this, it makes sense.

I also started purging and restricting. I went through a short period of this a few months ago, but it only lasted a few days before someone found out and I had to stop. Now, though, I'm being a lot more careful. And, yeah, once again, I know it's wrong. But I feel like I can stop once I reach my goal weight, losing a bit would be good for me, and I'd still be eating. I wouldn't fast except absolutely necessary. Besides, it is my body, so...

Okay. This helped a lot actually. I guess I just kind of need a wake up call. I'll certainly regret this later and try to force myself to forget everything I said but...okay. This is good.

So, yeah. That's all. Just wanted to organize my thoughts.

warbit
March 16th, 2016, 07:20 PM
If you wanna talk and just vent out everything then I'm always open and also keep thinking of good stuff and every time you think of something bad just remember there is something good in itsomewhere. Everything has a good and bad outcome, it just comes down to how you see it :)

Microcosm
March 18th, 2016, 07:23 PM
It really does sound like just a bump in the road and that you have the strength to get better. The fact that you considered the positives tells me that you can find the strength to overcome this with time. The mind works in weird ways, some of which you just can't control.

I hope things work out for you and I'm open to talk and such if you'd like.