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CombatsAndConverse
February 9th, 2016, 08:18 PM
Oh God I feel like I've been here for three days and done nothing but complain and cry over my own life and forced you guys to put up with it. I feel like such an attention whore. I'm sorry for filling up this sit with my pitiful problems.

I just needed to write this out, because sometimes that helps me, and I don't really even know why I'm doing this. God, maybe I want help? Whatever.

I was only actually diagnosed with depression a week ago, but there are suspicions that I've had it for a long time. Hell, in 7th grade, I hung a noose in my closet and wrote a suicide note to everyone I loved, only to stop because I was so self-conscious I didn't think the rope would hold my weight. I feel like depression may have somehow been involved in my past. But,no can really know these things, can they?

But to have the diagnosis out there in black and white just...Oh my God. I feel...fake. Like somehow, after being diagnosed, I'm still just faking or something, trying to take attention away from the people with the real problems.

Today e went to the psychiatrist for new ADHD meds. He said that he's almost run out of things for me.

That's when everything started to come apart.

I have extremely high functions ADHD. I need something to help me out. And the idea of not having it...basically causes an anxiety attack. I got through it, though, even though inside I was dying.

He then asked if the anxiety meds were working. That was when I realized, I have been on anxiety meds for four years, been diagnosed for six, and never have I felt what it's like to have relief. Never has a drug work for me before.

I went home and did something stupid and my mother basically got extremely pissed and told me that everything I touch I screw up. YEsterday, she also told me that I should just off myself already, so...yeah.

I went to my room with that terrible feeling of wanting to cry and not being able to. I only came out for a slice of pizza.

Here's when things got really bad.

AFter eating a single slice of cheese pizza(I stopped eating beef at the beginning of the year), I passed the mirror in my room, and spent 15 minutes squeezing all the pockets of fat on my body, before falling onto my bed and crying. I've never had this much dread over eating before, and I've never hated my body that much. Sure, I'll sure sadly into the mirror quite often, but...This? This was a whole new level.

A few hours spent roaming through VT, trying to distract myself, and then I just kind of gave up. I lie there for a few minutes,and then lost whatever I had left when I got up and broke my second-longest record of days without SH. This time I came extremely close to going to deep and hitting the vein. So that was fun.

So here I am. Lying in bed with that numb feeling just trying to get through this day. Once again, sorry for dumping my problems on you guys. You probably have your own stuff to worry about. Just wanted to post here because...I don't even know. Whatever.

Mars
February 9th, 2016, 08:45 PM
Honestly, don't feel bad about putting your problems here. That's what this forum is for. Second, I'm not good with dealing with people that have depression or eating disorders mainly because I know how it feels, and I know what you need to do to get better, but putting that out there like that (straight forward like I do) isn't what you need. This probably isn't helping much but... Over time I guess you'll learn to love yourself, or at least like yourself, more.

About the ADHD and anxiety thing. Been there. Still there, really. My ADHD isn't that bad so I don't have too much trouble with it. I don't take medication for it (my dad doesn't trust it) but I doubt it helps tbh. If I need to focus I don't beat myself up over it. I take my time and I do something on the side to make sure I'm at least looking at my work, reminding myself I need to do it (For school work I doodle a lot on my paper, it helps me "focus" on the work). Same with my anxiety. I don't take meds for it yet there have been plenty of times where I've had to miss school because I'm simple afraid of going. If it gets that bad, I try to calm myself down; listen to music, take deep breaths, don't focus too much on the "what ifs".

Sorry if my methods don't help but there's plenty of people here who are willing to help, and I assure you that no one is bothered by your posts. We're here to help :)

CombatsAndConverse
February 9th, 2016, 08:48 PM
Thanks. It helps to know that other people go through things like this. Honestly, I'll have to save this post to read later when I'm not so bummed out, because some of the methods may actually help. Thanks for the advice.

Sheriff McGregor
February 9th, 2016, 08:59 PM
Oh God I feel like I've been here for three days and done nothing but complain and cry over my own life and forced you guys to put up with it. I feel like such an attention whore. I'm sorry for filling up this sit with my pitiful problems.

Don't feel like a burden on anyone. We as a community look out for each other and are here to support. You are not an attention whore. You simply need to vent and that is okay. And you can't compare your problems to others, because only you know how bad you are affected. It's okay to go through pain and acknowledge it. Trying to shrug it off because it 'isn't that bad' is unhealthy. You should feel through those problems and not feel ashamed for having them. It's always helpful to vent. We as a community and everyone in this site is willing to listen. I'm here also if you ever need someone to talk.

I went home and did something stupid and my mother basically got extremely pissed and told me that everything I touch I screw up. YEsterday, she also told me that I should just off myself already, so...yeah.

I went to my room with that terrible feeling of wanting to cry and not being able to. I only came out for a slice of pizza.

Here's when things got really bad.

AFter eating a single slice of cheese pizza(I stopped eating beef at the beginning of the year), I passed the mirror in my room, and spent 15 minutes squeezing all the pockets of fat on my body, before falling onto my bed and crying. I've never had this much dread over eating before, and I've never hated my body that much. Sure, I'll sure sadly into the mirror quite often, but...This? This was a whole new level.

I understand the hatred of food. I survived my eating disorder several years ago. For me, I found exercise was really helpful. That way I needed to eat and it helped me look good. I still sometimes feel fat or not good enough and it is a deep pain. So I know how it can be difficult.


So here I am. Lying in bed with that numb feeling just trying to get through this day. Once again, sorry for dumping my problems on you guys. You probably have your own stuff to worry about. Just wanted to post here because...I don't even know. Whatever.

Again, we are here as a community to support, recover, learn and grow together. You can always vent. Even though we don't know each other yet, I'm here to help.

One thing that I think could be really helpful is to write yourself a letter. Write it in a word document or an email or even an old fashioned piece of paper to just vent to yourself and save it. In two weeks, or a month, open the letter and read it. Reflect on it and write yourself another one to save and read later. I think this letter writing is really helpful and, it doesn't hurt to try it.

Hope this was of some help

~ The Sheriff

CombatsAndConverse
February 10th, 2016, 01:52 PM
Thanks a lot, man. Today, so far, has been a lot better. I covered up my mirrors this morning just to make sure I didn't trigger anythi8ng, had a full breakfast, and went for a walk before doing some fencing drills. I think I'm alright bow, I just was making some progress before I was actually diagnosed and I feel like I'm back at square one. But, I have to learn to take things one step at a time. :)


I'll still probably feel like a burden when I post something like this, but I think that's because I feel like I don't help others as much as I could, which everyone is guilty of. Still, it helps to have someone say that my problems aren't worthless. Thanks again for the help.

amgb
February 11th, 2016, 04:52 AM
Hi Carly~ Your problems definitely are not worthless. You are worthy of help and attention, no matter how much of a burden you feel to people. I understand feeling like a burden, I've felt it and it's something so heavy in your chest, just knowing and worrying that someone might not want to listen to your problems and be there for you. But I want to listen, I want to know what your problems are and I want to help. I know you're struggling, and trying to live through depression and anxiety and other issues in your life. When you have to rely on medicine to deal with those issues, when you land into an extremely unpleasant situation at home, when you start to slowly hate yourself and your body and when you slip up on your SH; one thing just piles up on top of another. It's overwhelming. You're not alone, I struggle too. Taking things one step at a time can take off all the heaviness, and instead replace it with small possibilities that will seem a lot less daunting. I agree that the writing or drawing on paper might help a little when you're feeling stressed out, but different things work for different people, so try and find more positive coping methods that will work for you. Okay?

It's so good to hear that today was a better day:) Along with help from people in your life, you can make it through no matter what happens; I believe in that. We are here to support you~