View Full Version : I'm psychotic again...

February 10th, 2014, 12:21 PM
Hello! I'm diagnosed bipolar I. I confess that I've been a bit out of it of late. A couple of months ago, I started to see figures out of the corners of my eyes that disappeared when I turned around. I ignored it; just my mind being my mind. I had a psych hospital stay in late November-early December after dumping my plans to make a cataclysmically beautiful artwork of my death on my GP. He got curious, and I couldn't hold the words back. (I'm more than willing to expand on that one to anyone here - I can relate my magnum-opus end-of-life plans for hours!) During the stay, I was changed from aripiprazole to risperidone. Things started to remind me more and more of the months leading up to my first real psychotic break. In January, in a moment of self-doubt, I admitted myself to hospital again because I couldn't concentrate on anything in my life but its end. I recognize now again that that isn't madness, but dedication to an art. Ich bin ein TodkŁnstler :) Today I had fun cutting stigmata into my hands. The joke is that I'm only really dying for myself. I am a very shallow person. I'm not dying for anyone or anything but myself. Nobody seemed to get the joke, though, and a couple of nurses went over my room with a metal detector to try to find what I'd done it with. They didn't find it. But now I'm back to the suspicion that I'm going psychotic again. Just there, I was looking at the door. The old ward manager from the first time I was in this hospital came in. She asked me how I was doing. She moved like a marionette. I answered her. Then she popped back out. A nurse came in, concerned. "Who were you calling?" It hit me that the old ward manager doesn't even work here any more. Well, stuff my life. Hello, psychosis.