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munchausen
January 11th, 2016, 11:08 PM
I suppose this would be something to ask those of us who experienced our worst episodes of self-harm or depression in the past. I've not tried to recall events from around that time coherently for a long, long time. My worst episode spanned a couple of years from the time I originally joined this site in 2010. I've just actively started trying to recall what happened during that time more actively the past couple of days for a few reasons but there seems to be a mental block. A few events bleed into each-other and make it hard to recall but a big section of my memory seems to be distorted. I'm painfully aware now that some might even just be missing. I can't understand it, I really truly can't. There are events that might have happened during that time that I am literally attempting to recall that just aren't there, or that are but in little fragments.

I don't know if it's normal because it was six years ago, I don't know if maybe there's repression but I have issues recalling a lot of what happened. In all honesty at times If it weren't for the scars I might even believe none of it happened at all. I remember cutting once or twice, but I have hundreds of scars and I can't remember making most; especially the worst of them. It doesn't start and end with self harm either, there was a lot going on at one time. If it weren't for the door frame I had to put up myself still being there in my kitchen I might have even believed my father didn't tear it down to get at my mother. If my doctor didn't still ask me about my eating habits when I went in, or if my sister hadn't made a comment about surviving mostly on liquids for a summer and the picture of me on here still showing signs of me being over-thin and pale I might not believe I ever had an eating disorder. I remember recalling a lot of this afterwards and even talking about it, but a lot of it I don't actively remember happening.

My memory is so fucking incoherent and it's making me panic tonight. Everything has left a mark, I just don't remember the mark being made and it's making me anxious. None of it feels like it was me.

Fiction
January 15th, 2016, 08:00 AM
You already know I don't remember a lot about that period of my life either, but I'm afraid I have no idea if it's a normal thing or if it's repression. But interestingly, I have more memory for my minor cuts and no recollection of when, how or the aftermath of my worst even though I'm sure they must have panicked me at the time, just as I'm sure yours did.

Your memory for things that happened before that seem fairly okay though, like all those stories you tell me about when you where much younger. How does your memory for 6 years ago compare to that? If the memories from before then are clearer I'd say there was an element of repression.

Perhaps if you're going to attempt to remember though, especially if it makes you anxious, trying to do it in the middle of the night when you're alone isn't the best idea. You know I'm always happy to talk about whatever you're thinking, whether over the Internet or in person.

Lots of love xxxx