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Fiction
January 7th, 2016, 06:09 AM
I first started starving myself when I was 15. At the time I was really unhappy with things, and back then I used to starve and purge whenever I did eat.

In the last 5 years I have had minor relapses where I would starve myself for a few days, perhaps a few weeks until I knocked myself out of it.

Well I suppose that was until March last year. So my ex boyfriend at the time bought a fancy set of scales that measured your body fat, told you your BMI etc. my BMI was almost overweight, and apparently my body fat percentage was extremely high. My ex at the time was also trying to loose weight. To be honest we didn't have the healthiest diet so it started off as just cooking more healthy meals etc. I lost about half a stone. Everything was still fine.

Then in August me and my ex broke up (he broke up with me), we'd been together 4 years and lived together so it was pretty stressful. For about a week I couldn't eat without feeling nauseous and when I did eat it wasn't uncommon for me to be sick straight away anyway, I was a bit of an emotional wreck you could say.

But that cooked up the perfect storm for a relapse. I was upset as well as already not eating and loosing weight rapidly. Through my first semester of this year of uni I carried on not eating. I guess I convinced myself it was ok because I would eat once a day, and this time there's been no purging involved. It became so automatic as well to eat so little, in the past I remember it being difficult. I managed pretty well over Christmas too. There are scales at my parents house and I reconciled myself that as long as I didn't put on any weight I could always loose the weight when I got back.

I'm back now. I lost a little more weight in the days before I came back as well. I've now lost almost a stone and a half since august, and 2 stone overall. That's what I lost when I was first ill (should note my start weight was considerably higher this time).

I am in counselling and I have told her about this sort of, but she's much more interested in other thoughts and feelings I'm having.

It's been 5 years and I'm tired. I don't want to be fat and if I could be happy just maintain this weight it'd be fine, but the urge to loose more is so strong :/ what do I do? I don't know if I'll ever get past this.