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LunaHermione
December 13th, 2015, 12:15 AM
Hey, I have been self harming for 5 years now and I've finally realised that although I need self harming, I also don't want to stop. I don't want to be clean. And I was just wondering if anybody else has had these thoughts but then changed and wanted to stop. Because the fact I don't want to stop and I don't want to get better is scaring me a little.

Deleted User
December 13th, 2015, 12:55 AM
This actually isn't all that uncommon. It's been five years and this is how you've coped during that time. It's become an addiction, probably your "best" coping mechanism at this point, and yeah, once you're used to it, it's hard to want to stop at all.

I felt like that for a long time actually. Even now, being clean for almost two years, I still get days where I just don't want to be anymore and I want to get bad again and be where I was two years ago. That's just how addictions work. It's not that they don't go away, it's just gradual and it's slow and sometimes what you want and what you need are two very different things.

Have you spoken to a professional about these thoughts? Ultimately, no one can stop you from doing something you still feel like you want or need. Self-harmers often do find ways around people trying to force them to stop. So a part of you needs to want to stop. And professional help can really sorta nudge you down that road if you're given alternate, healthier ways of coping that you realize "wow, this isn't as destructive, I don't want to do this to myself anymore" even if it's just for like a split second. Does that make any sense?

Fiction
December 14th, 2015, 12:36 PM
Like Jo said, this really isn't uncommon.

The biggest barrier to most people stopping is not really wanting to stop, and that's the same for most addictions, but that doesn't mean you'll feel like that forever.

I never wanted to stop and in fact I held onto self-harm long after my life took a turn for the better. Self-harm had become something independent even of feeling "down", or at least it took considerably less feeling "down" to trigger self-harm as a reaction. I was holding onto self-harm despite feeling quite a lot better, so what you're feeling is perfectly normal.

I never had a lightbulb moment where I decided I wanted to stop, just I gradually got out of the habit, but even then I always wanted to relapse in a strange way, and still struggle with that fairly regularly now.

Not wanting to stop never goes (or at least it hasn't for me yet), but it can lessen over time and eventually it can become almost undetectable in everyday life.