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View Full Version : It was my first time and I need advice... *also trigger warning*


mai-rin
November 22nd, 2015, 05:37 AM
I need some advice as I'm feeling really on edge and worried.

I had sex on Friday night (20th)/ Saturday morning (21st) .We used protection, but I'm still really worried that it was not enough.It was my first time I'd had consensual sex with a male and he was so kind and gentle, but despite this i'm now feeling a little low. I also have a slight dull pain in my stomach, is this normal with sex ? ( i'm due on next week too) I had a doctors appointment on Saturday morning, so I went along.It was about getting an IUS, as I get really bad periods/ pain.When I originally organised it with her, I was single; but now I am not, so when the doctor asked I told her.She didn't seem to approve and made me feel a little guilty. I'm 16, so it's fine.My boyfriend is older, but my parents are fine with us as I've told them up front.

The thing is, we did use a condom (I wouldn't take the risk).I just didn't expect it to happen, so I didn't go to the doctor in advance asking for birth control (also you have to book appointments for 3-6 weeks in advance unless it's an emergency). Now that I told her I'm active, she want's me tested for sti's and pregnancy and after her saying this I became really paranoid and I'm sitting here feeling sick and I can't keep calm. It was just nerve racking being my first time with a guy.She gave me the pill for in between now and having the IUS done, and I had to be tested for Chlamydia (which I sent off straight after)

It's taken me so long to realize sex is ok.I was always scared of the idea and thought that I had no right, because of what had happened to me.

My situation is complicated.I was sexually assaulted when I was younger and I was always too scared to get tested for anything.I finally got the courage over this summer and it came back clear.I slept with my girlfriend of the time (I'm pans) .After we broke up we stopped talking and I started College.Since I've gotten with my new partner I've found out my ex has cheated in the past on her ex and had potentially unprotected sex with a guy when drunk. This worries me that she's given me something.I was mature enough to do the the test because I knew it was a risk because of what happened to me .She told me she was a virgin, so I didn't ask her to get tested too.I thought we were both "clean".Of course doing the test is a great idea, but if it's positive I don't know what I'll do with myself or how to tell my bf.This is only my second relationship and I'm young.

I was thinking about getting the "morning after pill" if it's not too late, but the problem is no clinics are open at weekends and I don't know if I could tell my parents.However I'm not burring my head in the sand either.

I'm at college and want to go to uni (he's going to uni next year) I've had it hard and am trying to better myself as I suffer with several mental/ and health conditions.I would not be able to raise a child, I do not want one.I understand that.I'm doing my best to be responsible.I do not sleep around, go to parties or anything.Sex is very hard for me because of what happened - especially with a male.I was fine to my surprise and he supported me, but after these problems have popped up and I feel really guilty.

So my main issues are:

1) Pregnancy (we used a condom, but I'm worried it broke and it was dark - I don't like being looked at undressed so that's how we get around it for the moment)
2) Sti's (A test has been sent off, but I'm now scared my ex gf gave me something)
3) Emotionally how do I cope?

Sex is a big deal to me and it's the first time I didn't feel pressure. I know some of you may say if you're getting upset after, don't have sex with him, but I want to. Of course it's going to be hard for me because of what happened. He would never force me and asks for consent - no maybe's, it has to be a clear yes. I care about him a lot. Sex is natural, and of course being in a relationship with him where I feel so comfortable i'm fine with it.I just want to be as safe as possible and be responsible.

Thanks in advance. (sorry for spelling and grammar. I've written this in a rush)

Bontigo Papi .
November 22nd, 2015, 06:13 AM
Hey, the one thing people cannot do is tell you whether or not to have sex. We can only advise you on what's the right or wrong thing to do, and as I know, the members are not judgemental, and I may not be of much help considering how young I am, but here are many members who can help you and make you see that what you did was not wrong. Getting tested was the best idea and you'll just have to stay positive and hope you're not infected, but don't worry, I don't think you will be :) .

Fiction
November 22nd, 2015, 08:10 AM
They are all perfectly normal things to be concerned about and it sounds like you're being really sensible about it all, which most people your age won't be so you should be proud of yourself for that.

How long until the test results come back? Most STIs are treatable with antibiotics and aren't the end of the world. You can be cured from them. Those that aren't, such as HIV, are actually very very difficult to pass on to people, for example, if you where to have sex with a HIV positive male, you would have a 1 in 1250 chance of catching the virus. That's fairly small. I think the figure goes down for female on female sex too.

As for doctors, they have a tendency to make you feel guilty and almost dirty for having sex, but it sounds to me like you're being sensible and then it really is up to you what you do.

The condom is likely to have been more than sufficient, but it's not too late to get the morning after pill, it can be effective up to 72 hours after sex. So until Monday night, but the sooner you get it the more effective it will be. You can go to a walk in centre on a Sunday, I was there for that very reason two weeks ago on Sunday. Some pharmacies can also prescribe it free of charge if you are under 22. The IUD actually, can also be emergency contraception, and is effective up to 5 days after sex, so there may be a chance you can hit two birds with one stone and get this done at an emergency contraception clinic. That can then be left in as permanent contraception!

When i'm anxious about something like this I tend to think about what really is the worst that can happen, and I also try and rationalise how small a chance it would be that something like that had happened. I'm kind of in a similar situation to you right now, actually. I figured that for me, an abortion wouldn't be an issue and people with HIV have a normal life expectancy nowadays, and medications can make it almost none- transmissible (still would be awful, I know).

mai-rin
November 22nd, 2015, 08:42 AM
They are all perfectly normal things to be concerned about and it sounds like you're being really sensible about it all, which most people your age won't be so you should be proud of yourself for that.

How long until the test results come back? Most STIs are treatable with antibiotics and aren't the end of the world. You can be cured from them. Those that aren't, such as HIV, are actually very very difficult to pass on to people, for example, if you where to have sex with a HIV positive male, you would have a 1 in 1250 chance of catching the virus. That's fairly small. I think the figure goes down for female on female sex too.

As for doctors, they have a tendency to make you feel guilty and almost dirty for having sex, but it sounds to me like you're being sensible and then it really is up to you what you do.

The condom is likely to have been more than sufficient, but it's not too late to get the morning after pill, it can be effective up to 72 hours after sex. So until Monday night, but the sooner you get it the more effective it will be. You can go to a walk in centre on a Sunday, I was there for that very reason two weeks ago on Sunday. Some pharmacies can also prescribe it free of charge if you are under 22. The IUD actually, can also be emergency contraception, and is effective up to 5 days after sex, so there may be a chance you can hit two birds with one stone and get this done at an emergency contraception clinic. That can then be left in as permanent contraception!

When i'm anxious about something like this I tend to think about what really is the worst that can happen, and I also try and rationalise how small a chance it would be that something like that had happened. I'm kind of in a similar situation to you right now, actually. I figured that for me, an abortion wouldn't be an issue and people with HIV have a normal life expectancy nowadays, and medications can make it almost none- transmissible (still would be awful, I know).


Thank you fiction! I was worried it'd make me sound really bad.I've spoken to my parents and i'm off for an appointment at the out of hours gp in a few hours.They're really supportive.I like to be honest and sensible.I'd ask for an IUD, but i'm getting an IUS soon as I need it for the period side of things too so i'll just wait for that.In the meantime if everything is fine and the condoms worked I have the pill to start when my period comes (fingers crossed for Monday/Tuesday). I have nothing against contraception at all, just wish I had have been on it already; but unfortunately I can't see the future x)

At the end of the day, in this day and age pregnancy shouldn't be the only aim for sex.I don't wish to have kids and as long as I take precautions and am healthy neither me or my partner see a problem with it.I saw an article earlier where a man said that if a woman opens her legs it's her fault/ she deserves to get pregnant and it angered me.

The test results will be about two weeks.It's only for chlamydia mind you because of how my ex was. I'd just be rather upset/ hurt if I do have it, because I trusted her to tell me the truth.Not only that but it'd affect my current relationship.

The worst that can happen is it failed and I could get pregnant, but the chances are thin.My partner has said i'm fine and not to worry, but I'm a little paranoid and want to make sure.The first time is always scary. I spoke to my friend who's also his friend and she said condoms are really effective and I should be fine, but again i'm just making double sure.

Uniquemind
November 22nd, 2015, 08:56 PM
I think it's all anxiety that's causing your symptoms, mood directly affects sexual experience and outcomes, including discomfort during the act and later.

However if he's big, then perhaps the residual discomfort is partially due to that.

Just take a deep breath and calm down and explore.

Fiction
November 24th, 2015, 01:09 PM
Thank you fiction! I was worried it'd make me sound really bad.I've spoken to my parents and i'm off for an appointment at the out of hours gp in a few hours.They're really supportive.I like to be honest and sensible.I'd ask for an IUD, but i'm getting an IUS soon as I need it for the period side of things too so i'll just wait for that.In the meantime if everything is fine and the condoms worked I have the pill to start when my period comes (fingers crossed for Monday/Tuesday). I have nothing against contraception at all, just wish I had have been on it already; but unfortunately I can't see the future x)

At the end of the day, in this day and age pregnancy shouldn't be the only aim for sex.I don't wish to have kids and as long as I take precautions and am healthy neither me or my partner see a problem with it.I saw an article earlier where a man said that if a woman opens her legs it's her fault/ she deserves to get pregnant and it angered me.

The test results will be about two weeks.It's only for chlamydia mind you because of how my ex was. I'd just be rather upset/ hurt if I do have it, because I trusted her to tell me the truth.Not only that but it'd affect my current relationship.

The worst that can happen is it failed and I could get pregnant, but the chances are thin.My partner has said i'm fine and not to worry, but I'm a little paranoid and want to make sure.The first time is always scary. I spoke to my friend who's also his friend and she said condoms are really effective and I should be fine, but again i'm just making double sure.

You're being very sensible and you'll know soon enough whether you are, and most probably you'll be able to stop worrying then! Condoms are as effective as the pill when used effectively, so you really should be fine!

I know this isn't what you're asking, but just to warn you, the IUS really isn't for everyone, especially those who haven't already had children. When I had mine fitted I was in immense pain for weeks before I couldn't bare it anymore and had it taken out. It may well work for you, but just be prepared to "shop around" a bit for the best contraception! Over the years I tried 4 different methods and various combinations of these before finding one that finally suited me!

Deleted User
November 24th, 2015, 02:36 PM
First off, don't worry about your doctor asking you to do an STI test. That's actually pretty standard when they find out you've been sexually active at all. I had to do one and it was awkward but it came back fine, like I figured, and it was nothing to worry about. But most STIs are easily treatable so try not to worry.

As for pregnancy, I wouldn't go so far as the morning after pill unless you know for sure that the condom broke. You're going to worry yourself into a habit of "what if"s. You've already expressed your uncertainties with sex. Just remember, you acted responsibly. If something did happen, you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences but you can't be worrying every time you have a sexual encounter. I know it may seem like a big deal and it can be but it's not always.

Emotionally, calm down and think. You seem like you're with a really good guy. Can you talk to him about this? Express your worries and he seems like he'd be supportive enough to take it well. Besides, these are valid concerns, I think you're just getting irrationally worked up about them. That's okay but you do need to focus on a few things:

1. Is it as bad as it seems?
2. Have I done everything I can to act accordingly and safely?
3. Do I have support?

The first answer that comes to your mind will probably be yes, no, and no. But sit down and think about it for a little while and I think you'll feel a lot better about the whole situation. Unfortunately, the only thing I can't help you with is what form of birth control to use because I've been taking the pill for years so it's the only option I'm overly familiar with. Same with the whole penis in vagina sex thing. I'm a lesbian but I've had some pretty good sex ed over the years.

But remember, condoms are effective when used properly, you might want to be checked for all STIs just for your peace of mind and don't be embarrassed to ask (it's actually very mature), and just breathe and remember that worrying about the worst case scenario is only going to make you more afraid of having sex. And you shouldn't be because sex is okay.