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conniption
November 10th, 2015, 08:44 PM
I'm ashamed to admit that for the past couple of months I've been on a constant rotation of adderall, Xanax, klonopin, codein/promethazine, and Ritalin. I've tried other drugs and continue to use some of them recreationally (cocaine, alcohol, marijuana), sometimes even taking a combination of up to 4 drugs, but i heavily depend on prescription drugs to keep me going daily, especially adderall (I take at least 20mgs/day). however, they're not really working for me anymore, if anything they just make me feel even worse. I've lost 15 pounds in the past two months, I have no appetite, i can't sleep, and there are days when i feel like absolute shit that I can't even find the motivation to get out of bed. but when I really scare myself is when I'm high out of my mind on who knows how many drugs and I wonder if it'd even be a big deal for me to take some more and be done with it. and they're such selfish thoughts and such selfish actions but I don't care. why should I care if I hate it all? what's one less person on this planet of 7 billion people? my life hasn't been all that bad, my grades are good, I'm practically guaranteed a full scholarship to any university in my state, my friends and family are great, so why am I such a shitty person? i don't deserve any of these things when there are people out there who could appreciate my life better than I ever could. why should I keep pretending I'm happy when I'm not? it's so tiresome parading my fake happiness in front of everyone's faces so they don't see how stupid and weak I am. how can I ever be normal again when I want to be gone more than I want to be happy?

MadManic
November 15th, 2015, 04:57 PM
I wish I could help you but we are essentially the same person