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Captain Who
October 19th, 2015, 03:50 AM
I've been given the task of writing a powerful ending for an assessment, I was just wondering if I could get some feedback, please? This is what I wrote:

I could feel a wave of weakness wash over me; slowing down the second hand of my internal clock, calming my thoughts and pulling me into a disoriented trance, and I know I only have a few precious seconds left.
I dont want to let go but the rope tethering me to life is on its last strands, and I know that it is time. You have picked me out, and with my last breath you silently take me away.


Thank you.

Hudor
October 19th, 2015, 08:24 AM
I could feel a wave of weakness wash over me; slowing down the second hand of my internal clock, calming my thoughts and pulling me into a disoriented trance, and I know I only have a few precious seconds left.
I don’t want to let go but the rope tethering me to life is on its last strands, and I know that it is time. You have picked me out, and with my last breath you silently take me away.


You could probably replace calming with numbing though and tweak the last line a bit. Otherwise it's pretty nice.

Abhorrence
October 19th, 2015, 10:57 AM
Issue I have is that "I could" is past tense and then it goes into "I know" which is present tense which remains throughout the rest of the piece. Other than that it is a poetic piece of dark, melancholic writing that gave me chills. It's good. :)

Captain Who
October 19th, 2015, 11:51 AM
Issue I have is that "I could" is past tense and then it goes into "I know" which is present tense which remains throughout the rest of the piece. Other than that it is a poetic piece of dark, melancholic writing that gave me chills. It's good. :)

Oops, honest mistake! I'll make sure to fix that. Other than that, thank you so much for the feedback.

You could probably replace calming with numbing though and tweak the last line a bit. Otherwise it's pretty nice.

Okay, thank you for your response. :)

Merged double post. Please use the Multi-Quote button next time
~Nick