View Full Version : I shouldn't post this

October 8th, 2015, 06:23 PM
Honestly the one thing I wish I could change is to never have picked
up a drink. I don't know why I got so angry. Maybe cause inner feelings
of not being good enough for her came out. Maybe it was my insecurities.
All I know is I never want to drink again. Which won't be hard considering this is a suicide note. I can't function without her. All I think about is her and maybe I could fix it, but she is already fucking someone else. I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I want to do is puke. The one woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and I had to go and fuck it all up with my insecurities. I don't know why we couldn't be us again. They say when you have a child your relationship will change and everytime I wanted to hang out and be us without the kids, she just wanted too go to Calebs. All because he listens to her. Well I use to listen to you too. remember all the conversations we had smoking on the couch, remember how we use to go for drives and just talk about the stars and our dreams. I remember when I first knew I wanted to be with you. We were sitting on the couch at Randys when I was living there and watching only god knows what, but I couldn't stop looking into your eyes. They sparkled with this light that I couldn't see anymore towards the end. You were/are so beautiful. The way you lit the bowl, the way you hit it, the way you exhaled. I remember the day I fell in love with you. We went and chased Bill Cosby. That right there was the day I wanted to spend the rest of my life with who I considered my best friend. I developed this love I never thought I'd feel again. You made me forget about every past relationship I ever had. You made me feel like I was the most important person in the world (Next to the kids of course) I felt as if I could tell you anything. I felt as if I never had to search for love again. You were right there. The most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my entire life. The most amazing girl I've ever seen. You get mad and become irrational yes, but you are still the most amazing girl ever. You know it hurts that my other baby mama keeps my daughter from me and you do it with our daughter to hurt me. I don't know how to handle it. I can't think. Everytime I go to do something, I turn around to ask you if you want to join and realize you aren't there. What do I do? What do I say? How do I breathe, cause this hurts. I'm physically sick to my stomach and want to drown my sorrows away, but like I said I never want to drink again, cause it's the one thing that ruined us. I don't know how to undo what I've said or what I've done. All I can do is cry. Nothing sounds good anymore. I can't listen to the music on my phone it all reminds me of you. Reminds me of the way you looked at me when you would watch me dance and sing being a fool in the passenger seat. I just want to see the love that I saw in your eyes when I would catch you staring at me. I want you to see the love I have for you. I really don't know what else to say. Just please never talk bad about me to our daughter. Make me look like a hero so she'll never end up with a piece of shit. So she'll know what to look for in a man. I love you Kelly Mae Boylan. I love you more than anyone could ever love a single human being.

It's dangerous to go alone