View Full Version : Just venting fear

January 9th, 2014, 07:54 PM
I'm not very active at all I know, especially in this section. I've recently been trying to avoid it.

Theoretically, I'm doing great. I've gained weight and kept it on, I eat what the people around me consider relatively normal meals, I bought a new scale after having thrown my old one out during therapy and I manage to not be triggered by it and actually cut down the number of weigh-ins from what it used to be. I still hate everything about my body, but I think I've thrown my attention and energy into class enough that I still complain but don't care enough to relapse.

Of course, with class there's a lot of stairs and a lot of shortness of breath. This itself doesn't bother me but it's the self-consciousness, the constant thought that I can't show I'm out of breath when I go to class on the fourth floor or they'll think I'm fat. I'm out of therapy, but when I was in therapy the point was to stay away from some of my old behaviours but I have so little muscle on my body sadly. So I signed up for a gym in the area. Got over my terrible anxiety over the prospect and I'm really enjoying it. I'm limiting myself to the weekdays.

Here's the point of this spiel: I'm terrified. There's this little devil in the back of my mind that's been telling me someday I'm going to gain one too many pounds and crack, someday I'll start pushing myself too hard again. I feel like there's always this storm raging inside my body, half of me afraid to relapse and half of me afraid to gain weight. The half that wants recovery is winning but what happens when the thread can't support it any more? It's a balancing act and I have an injured ankle. I can stay up but I wobble so much. And in a way, I want both sides to win.