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View Full Version : I want people to stop accusing me of having an eating disorder.


Deleted User
August 17th, 2013, 09:47 PM
This is gonna be my last thread for awhile. I either never get replies, actual help, or I waste people's time. Kinda like real life, I guess. This might be triggering or something. Probably why I should just keep my thoughts to myself.

My mum is on my case about food. I don't eat very much anymore and I'm really trying to cut back. She likes to talk about what causes eating disorders in teenagers and I just tune her out. It annoys me. To those who don't know, I had a pretty obvious but undiagnosed "eating disorder" when I was 15/16. Obvious because if someone had bothered to actually check my weight, I was probably 5lbs away from fitting an anorexia diagnosis according to what I was told by the internet and a few people. So when people talk about eating disorders, I get really pissed off. I never said anything to a professional though so any "recovery" was achieved alone. Basically I just lost all self-control and ate everything in sight nonstop for a few years.

But yeah, now my mother seems to be hovering and it really pisses me off. Okay so I'm not eating much. Some days I count calories, others I don't. Usually I try to come in under 800 but if it has to be 1000 a day, that's tolerable. I have a scale in my bathroom I check a lot but so what? I'm still a "healthy" weight. Actually, I'm about 1 stone away from being classified as overweight and I'm the heaviest I've been in my life. So I can't have a damn eating disorder because I'm too fucking fat. Besides, I recovered by myself. I despise being told I have an eating disorder or having it constantly implied. All I need is to lose weight. Maybe I preferred being 112lbs instead of 141. I look disgusting like this, none of my clothes fit, I feel like my butt sags yet I'm still as flat-chested as a boy no matter how much weight I put on. So why does everyone get so upset that I want to lose weight? It's not like I ever "officially" had an eating disorder anyway. People kept telling me I did though. But I preferred myself that way.

Basically I'm just ranting. I don't know. This can't be an eating disorder if I'm actually still fat. And now I can't seem to lose any of the weight I put on. It's not fair that other people can stay skinny or put on a little weight and stay that way but all I do is gain more and more flabby bits and muffin tops. I just hate myself like this. I cut out the junk food, I drink a lot of water, I go swimming a lot now and yet I'm still so goddamn fat and everyone gets suspicious when I don't eat for a day. Who cares if I'm just gonna stay a whale anyway? I don't know how to feel better about my body. I don't know how to feel better about anything. But I figure if I could at least be pretty, no one would have to notice that I'm mentally unstable and probably will be for most of my life. At least a nice body could be one good part of my existence, right? But I don't have one and sometimes I wonder if my body is actually worth killing myself over. Not that it would be the only reason, mind you, but a good part of it.

Anyway, sorry for wasting your time if you even got this far instead of hitting the back button on your browser.

unknownuser
August 17th, 2013, 11:15 PM
Jo, I know that you're probably not going to listen to what most people are going to tell you because you've got it embedded into your mind that you're fat and ugly... but if you want to listen, here's what I've got to say...

I was probably 5lbs away from fitting an anorexia diagnosis
This can't be an eating disorder if I'm actually still fat.

How and when do you think eating disorders start? You can be 250 lbs or 105 lbs and think that you're fat; once you start eating less and less, guess what? Your weight drops, drops, drops... For some people, they get very far down before they are stopped, hospitalized, forced to start eating normally again, or lets put it straight forward- die. You can be at 141 lbs and think that you don't have an eating disorder, but continue unhealthy eating habits and sooner or later, your weight will drop. You might not reach a weight classified as an anorexia weight, but what most people don't understand is that anorexia is a state of mind. You can be the skinniest stick in the world despite eating a healthy amount and people can look at you and think, God, she must be anorexic, but that is not true. Same goes the opposite way, you could be very very big, but no one would suspect you of an eating disorder, because they can't physically see by your appearance, but what the can't see is your unhealthy mindset.

I honestly can't talk about professional help for an eating disorder, since I've kind of recovered on my own, as well. It has been about four years for me, yes I've relapsed, yes my weight has greatly fluctuated, and yes, I was near close to my deathbed, but I was stopped before it was too late. I was GREATLY uncomfortable with the weight gain, as most people would be, but now, after these four years, I've kind of started to accept it. I mean, I don't love myself and my body, I wish I could be beautiful and at a lower weight, but I guess I've just kind of learned that the most important things in your life should not revolve around weight/counting calories/over-exercising. I admit, it is kind of hypocritical of me because if I eat more than 1200 calories a day, I really start to be hard on myself, but I'm working on that. The best thing to do is re-establish healthy eating patterns. If you can, try to make yourself eat a little bit more, don't force yourself, take it slow. And if it makes you feel better, try eating healthier foods (if you don't so already). Get plenty of lean protein, colorful veggies, and fruits and drink water. I find that "junky" foods make me feel worse, fatter, and bloated, so maybe it might work for you? Worth a try.

Also, I saw that you mentioned swimming, so you must be somewhat toned already, but doing more toning exercises can really make a difference on how your body looks and how confident you feel about it, even though if you don't lose any weight. You don't need a gym or fancy equipment, if you've got some time on your hands, head on over to good 'ole YouTube and look up some toning videos. If you keep at it and really try, you will eventually start seeing and feeling results. You will probably not lose weight, but you will tone your muscles and help you feel a bit better.

I mean, I don't know what kind of advice or answer you are looking for, but I hope that just letting your problems out makes you feel a teeny tiny bit better... HUGS

Luminous
August 17th, 2013, 11:24 PM
I don't have much experience here, but I want you to know that someone read this and cares.
So I think anorexia isn't really defined by the weight of a person. My sister is tiny and you can see her ribs, but all she eats is junk. It's just the way her body is.
You are going to keep stepping on the scale and thinking "I'm fat", 50, 100 times. Whether you lose the weight or gain more weight, when you don't eat for a day, or count calories, and just become obsessed with your weight, that's anorexia.

Deleted User
August 18th, 2013, 08:09 PM
I just still feel like a piece of shit because I don't "fit" problem criteria. I don't have the self-control I used to when it was really bad. I still eat a lot on the days I'm not starving myself (which are fewer and farther between now 'cause I think "oh just one..." and yeah goes downhill from there) and that's probably why I've gained so much weight. But everything that goes into my mouth feels like poison and makes me feel terrible.

Also, I'm not toned. At all. No matter how much exercise I do, I can't seem to get that 'toned' body type. I don't even know what advice or answer I'm looking for. I just wish I could be normal or sick. That seems twisted but at least normal I'm fine and not a freak and sick I'm well... I'm something. Now I'm just floating in this grey area. I'm sorry, this whole thread is ridiculous, isn't it? I probably shouldn't even be posting and leaving the space for people with real problems.

I suppose with me I have to either be healthy or dying. There is no in between because at least if I'm dying I have justification for feeling so terrible about myself. Anything less and I'm a whiny attention seeker. I don't know what's more twisted... everything else or the fact I feel like I need to be some stick-thin anorexic to really know what a "real problem" is and that I'm determined to get there just so I can prove to myself I'm a fuck up. And in the meantime, I'll lose weight and actually be able to be proud of myself for something even if it's demented. But for now I want my mother off my case. I don't have an eating disorder because I'm just flat out too fat to have one. And if people think I have an ED now and think I should gain even more weight... no. I refuse to let that happen.

I'm just going shut up now. I think this whole thread is just proving what a psycho I am, isn't it? I don't even think I make sense anymore because my mind is just so warped I can't tell up from down whether it's with food or anything else.

unknownuser
August 18th, 2013, 11:50 PM
I just still feel like a piece of shit because I don't "fit" problem criteria. I don't have the self-control I used to when it was really bad. I still eat a lot on the days I'm not starving myself (which are fewer and farther between now 'cause I think "oh just one..." and yeah goes downhill from there) and that's probably why I've gained so much weight. But everything that goes into my mouth feels like poison and makes me feel terrible.

Also, I'm not toned. At all. No matter how much exercise I do, I can't seem to get that 'toned' body type. I don't even know what advice or answer I'm looking for. I just wish I could be normal or sick. That seems twisted but at least normal I'm fine and not a freak and sick I'm well... I'm something. Now I'm just floating in this grey area. I'm sorry, this whole thread is ridiculous, isn't it? I probably shouldn't even be posting and leaving the space for people with real problems.

I suppose with me I have to either be healthy or dying. There is no in between because at least if I'm dying I have justification for feeling so terrible about myself. Anything less and I'm a whiny attention seeker. I don't know what's more twisted... everything else or the fact I feel like I need to be some stick-thin anorexic to really know what a "real problem" is and that I'm determined to get there just so I can prove to myself I'm a fuck up. And in the meantime, I'll lose weight and actually be able to be proud of myself for something even if it's demented. But for now I want my mother off my case. I don't have an eating disorder because I'm just flat out too fat to have one. And if people think I have an ED now and think I should gain even more weight... no. I refuse to let that happen.

I'm just going shut up now. I think this whole thread is just proving what a psycho I am, isn't it? I don't even think I make sense anymore because my mind is just so warped I can't tell up from down whether it's with food or anything else.

No, you're not psycho. I know what you're saying... There's really no magic answer or cure to feeling better about yourself and the whole weight issue. It is something that you've got to overcome yourself at your own pace, it does take time.

About the self-control; post ED I suffered weight gain from binge eating because of depriving myself for so long, also. If you start starving yourself, you know that eventually you'll go through the binge-eating/weight gain phase again... and I'm sure you don't want that. I know, I know, easier said than done, but you need to find a balance. If you refuse to eat a lot, fine, but you can't eat too little, so meet both at a halfway point; still count calories, but make sure you get at least 1200 calories a day, so your body doesn't go into starvation mode. I think that might be a reasonable goal to set.

There is nothing wrong in losing weight, but at 141 lbs, I highly doubt that you look fat to most people. It's just in your head. But if it would really make you feel better to lose a few pounds, good, but you have to make sure you don't go down too far... and that gets really hard for us weight-obsessed people because we love to see the numbers on the scale go down, down, down... Like I've said, you've got to eat enough to sustain yourself without putting your body into starvation mode and balance that out with some exercise. If you want to lose weight and keep it off, it takes time and work. Starving the weight off usually doesn't end well and you gain it back plus more.

There is an in between and you CAN get there, Jo. :)

1_21Guns
August 19th, 2013, 07:08 AM
Jo come on love, you know that skipping meals isn't the way to lose weight, and I don't think you're fat at all. You know weight isn't much to do with eating disorders, you can be overweight and have an eating disorder it's just not classified as anything until you're under a certain weight which in my opinion is wrong but that's a story for another time. You can have an eating disorder at any weight and a lack of diagnosis doesn't change the fact you may still be suffering from it. I was like you in 2009/10, undiagnosed ED that looked like anorexia but would've more likely gone down as EDNOS (I think that's how its spelt), and I got through it (for the most part at least, I still struggle) alone.
You are not the number on the scales
You are not the calories you count
You are not fat
You're beautiful
keep your head up, stop counting, eat healthily and with your swimming you'll lose weight as you should, starving only comes back to bite you later on.
Message me if you need to :hug3:

ByXaz
August 31st, 2013, 02:05 AM
I don't have much experience but from what I've read you say you're in this gray area. You say that you could only be healthy or dying, but aren't you healthy now? Depends on how tall you are but you don't sound that overweight. If you want to lose weight there's better ways than skipping meals. Also as you said you occasionally eat a lot after you haven't eaten, which is also bad. When you consistently eat less your body gets used to eating less and can't properly handle it when you eat more. If you really want to lose weight it would be better to eat an even amount of food. I'm not saying eat a lot or a little, just eat healthy consistently with exercise and it will help a lot. I don't know much and even though this post fails I just wanted to try and help.