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MrMundane
April 20th, 2013, 03:16 AM
I was free of the soul crushing saddness that had consumed the years previously but it is oozing out of the subconscious in the past few weeks. Sucide has been at the forefront of my mind and becoming hard to shake than usual, I just get the strange sensation that i am waiting to die. Serious problems have arose involving my brother and patience. He is older than me and sucks on me like a leech, I can't shake him. He keeps droning on about his bipolar issues while I stare off into the trees hoping a meteor will hit at least one of us. Is it worse to hate my existence or use the courage to say im disgusted by it? He could make life a living hell if i don't listen to his incessant ramblings about how he's healing mentally. All the while sitting on his ass and taking all my things.

My imagination and dreams have been extremely disturbing and I am beginning to lose track of what are dreams and what are not. I had this dream where i was stuck in a swamp, damp and old trees growing all around, sort of like the fire swamp in princess bride. There were others with me but one by one, they would vanish around a corner or disappear without a sound. Later a twisted and vile version would chase the rest of the group. The creatures had no light in their eyes and the internal organs were exposed. The intestines spun into infinite like a optical illusion and if i looked too long i would be mezmerized. I only looked once but I felt my self slipping as i torn my gaze away. The dream ended with me alone, running through a dark, damp swamp.

I cannot discern the feeling of a good nights sleep anymore, i feel fatigue every waking moment, like my hunger that is never sated. Until I get the right taste i just keep eating but it is never the right taste, i crave something that does not exist. I realized this yesterday, the question i have not been able to answer since i was 15 is who am I? It's been 4 years and I still can't answer it. I wish i could cry, the tears just don't come, not that it would help but oh well.

New voices have been shuffling through my head like a deck of cards, some cruel, some kind. The kind ones never last long, usually consumed by an elder and im left exhausted with shame filling my lunges. Why couldn't i have a normal existence by most people's standards? Not that i have schizophrenia specifically but it seems a moot point to narrow it down to some sub type or whatever.

This wasn't really meant to be replied to but if you want to go for it.