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sara_teix
June 10th, 2012, 10:24 AM
I just joined virtualteen.

I'm a 15 year old girl who is seriously depressed. The first time I became depressed I was about 10 years old. I mean I fantsized about cutting myself, had suicidal thoughts, despized myself, isolated myself from others, felt useless and worthless, etc. I didn't know what was depression back then and I was so ashamed that I felt like that, so I hid it from people as best as I could, hoping it would just go away. It lasted for about 8 months.
Then I became so happy and I was thrilled to be alive. I felt like I was so special and important, and things like that. It lasted for a few months. Then I became depressed again.
About 6 months ago, I found out about a singer called Emilie Autumn. She has bipolar disorder. I didn't know what it was, so I researched about it and was shocked that I fit in for the symptoms of bipolar II. But I still tried to hide it.
There was a day when I was 12 when I cried and yelled at my mother that she had no idea how much I wanted to die. Then I locked myself in my bedroom and kept crying. I heard her talk on the phone with my father and he dismissed it as a cry for attention. I only cried harder. So, then, I decided I could never tell my parents about it since they wouldn't believe me.
I have almost commited suicide twice so far. And I have had about 6 episodes of each mood.
But almost 3 months ago, I became not only really happy and ecstatic, but I was euphoric. I slept 2 or 3 hours a night and was not tired. I felt like I was on top of the world, like I was on a secret mission to save the world, like I was amazing and better than everything and everyone else. I also started hearing things. That terrified me. I became paranoid, delusional and was having hallucinations. It lasted about 3 weeks. It was so hard to hide how I felt. I was like a bubble of endless energy. People noticed I was much happier than usual, but they never knew just how much.
And now I have been depressed for about 2 months. I have started cutting myself every night and planning to commit suicide. The plans are getting more and more detailed. But I am not as exhausted as I usually am when depressed. I am actually still having hallucinations, delusions and I am still paranoid. I think I'm in a mixed state.
And about a month ago, I told my mother I wanted to go to a psychologist, which she was quite pleased about. My parents had been trying to convince me to go to one for years because of my shyness, which becomes stupidly huge when depressed, and I am depressed most of the time. But I told my mother why I wanted to go, and last week I told my father.
They believe me, but I know part of them is trying to believe this is all just a phase. Or wanting to be just like Emilie Autumn (I adore her but I'm not THAT obsessed with her). Or ghosts talking to me. Which I do not believe because I have heard, seen, smelt and felt things that have nothing to do with ghosts for sure ( hearing my parents', brother's and sister's voices when I was at home alone, hearing a piano playing, people I do not know telling me I am pathetic and should die, seeing flowers grown on the floor of the bathroom, etc.).
I have researched about mental illnesses and bipolar disorder is the one that sounds most likely for me to have.
I am now going to a psychologist, will start going to a psychiatrist in 2 weeks and am taking homeopathic meds (which are not doing much).

Additional info: my aunt has bipolar disorder, my grandmotner has Alzheimer's and my mother has been depressed before (although not nearly as severely as me).
Also, no one in my family knows that I am cutting myself and am seriously suicidal. I have almost jumped out a balcony on the 3rd floor this week.... More than once. (Wish I hadn't been interrupted!) Some of my friends know I cut myself once, but they have no clue I have been doing it every day since that day.
In depressive episodes, I became bulimic, anorexic, overweight... And stopped eating all together more than once for a few weeks each.

sara_teix
June 10th, 2012, 10:27 AM
Sorrry. Forgot one detail.
Ever since I started having hallucinations and became delusional and paranoid, I realized I probably have bipolar disorder I.
Ok, that's it.

bigfoot
July 12th, 2012, 06:32 PM
ever heard of a man named kurt cobain??he had bipolar disorder but he turned it into some of the best music ever.im sorry about everything.really but i hope the medication helps