View Full Version : Can't make decisions

April 18th, 2012, 05:54 AM
Standard pre info. Been dealing with mood swings, mainly depressive, for no reason since I was about 15 and was finally diagnosed 3 months ago with Bipolar II with rapid cycling(2 out of 3 therapists I've talked to say unofficially it might be ultra rapid cycling). Went on a regiment of trileptol and it made me feel like shit(just like all other meds I've ever taken).

Literally every morning I have to spend between 60-120 minutes talking myself out of my bed so I can get to work(head dishwasher - 35 hour weeks - super intense work place 4 star restaurant). I know that work is one of my biggest stress inducing activities; but no one knows cause I'm so good at hiding how I actually feel.

I've been off the meds for about 2 weeks now and I felt better for the first 5 days or so, but now I think the mania mood swings are worse. It goes beyond racing ideas and no need for sleep and I just get angry at everything. I can calm myself down after a little while but it's never fun because I've also been having the feeling that I'm not alone in my house and that my greatest fear is stalking me(which is ridiculous cause I know that it doesn't even exist in reality). I've even had to run around my house looking around all of the corners cause I swear I've seen it in my house which freaks me out even more.

Everyday feels like a different battle in the morning and by the night I can't stop and think about how dissatisfied with my life I am. I have all the ideas but no motivation to even start a project. I want to make a change but all the ideas that sound amazing to me would let down people around me that I'm committed to(parents - bosses - band members) which is something I avoid cause it's not normal.

Half of my spare time I've been planning trips and ways I can just leave my life(I'm not suicidal and haven't been for 3 years now). I wish my issues were bad enough to get me into inpatient care but at the same time I don't cause then I'm not normal for sure. Not looking for further diagnoses or anyone to tell me buck up and just do it cause I know that's not how I should deal with this cause that stress would be way over the top. Just looking for general input and thoughts to help me think this through.

Sorry for a wall of text; and thanks ahead of time,