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CodyCupcake
April 2nd, 2012, 07:38 PM
Hi, I'm new to this forum. Joined because I think I may be suffering from some kind of disorder. I'm so confused and feel like I have no one to talk to about it so hopefully someone could provide me with some answers or advice or something.

I'm 19 years old and for the past 3-4 years or so I have been having mood swings which affect me a lot of the time. At first I thought it was just part of puberty and thought nothing of it but recently I am starting to feel the way I did when I was 16 which was the first time I ever felt very low, sad and depressed all of the time. It lasted for a few months where I was extremely antisocial and hated everything about myself and life also. I was unhappy in school, didn't speak unless spoken to and hardly ever went out or hung out with my friends (which I did do before). Basically my everyday routine was get up, go to school, come home eat dinner and go to my room and sit alone until bedtime. I didn't know why but I just felt so sad, helpless and worthless all of the time. During this period I self harmed on a couple occasions. I also thought about suicide almost every day and I promised myself if it didn't get any better I would swallow some pills to stop the pain and hurt I felt.
Next year when I was 17 though, I felt like a completely different person. I went out almost every week, wanted to hang out with friends and loved going to school just to be around people and have lots of fun. It was the total opposite to the previous year I had. I loved life and things were looking great.

For the past year or so I have been having more frequent mood swings where during some weeks I would feel very low and not bothered to do anything. I would skip most of my college classes and be pretty much in a daydream like state most of the time (sometimes hours would go by where I'd be in a daze). Sometimes I have so many thoughts running through my mind I find it hard to focus or concentrate on simple things like completing homework or listening to the teacher during a lecture. I lose interest in things I normally like doing such as watching tv, hanging with friends or cooking dinner. Some days I eat next to nothing and I don't feel hungry.

My sleeping pattern is all over the place, esp in the last few weeks. Sometimes I over sleep and I feel very fatigued and lack energy to do anything. Other times I can't get to sleep or don't feel the need to sleep and if I get only 2-3 hrs of sleep I wake up and feel like I have full energy, not tired one bit. It's really strange as this can upset my daily routine.

I tend to avoid as many social gatherings as possible. I do not feel comfortable sometimes being in a room full of people as hearing them speaking can disrupt my thoughts and when they speak to me and ask questions it sort of irritates me. I don't know why. Sometimes I feel like I am completely alone or alien in a crowded room and I cannot connect to anyone. In saying this I am not shy when meeting and first speaking to strangers and I am generally a very friendly person. What I feel inside is normally hidden by forced body language or smiles. I tend to bottle my feelings up inside all of the time.

At times I have extremely impulsive thoughts and occasionally I do things rather impulsively. For example, sometimes I go through a day where I say to myself that I want to drop out of college and do something else (I recently wanted to become a professional pole dancer for that day and I couldn't stop thinking about it) and the next day I would think 'why on earth was I thinking that?' There was also a time a few months ago where one day I thought about getting a tattoo and I went a few hrs later and made an appointment and had one done the next day. A few days later I thought why did I even get a tattoo in the first place so quickly. I do happen to like it though but looking back I'm not sure if I should've got it. About a year ago there was another day where I suddenly thought, oh I want a hamster, and sure thing I bought one the following day. I don't think strangely of it at the time but after a few days or a week I look back and wonder what exactly I was thinking doing it. I am so determined during those periods and can think of nothing else until I actually do them.

I am very emotionally detached most of the time. When good things happen I don't necessarily feel 'happy' or if sad or sort of bad things happen to someone I know or love I always wonder why I don't feel 'sad' for them like I should do. I also tend to avoid emotional conversations or confrontations as I do not know how to act or whatever. I never cry, can't remember the last time I did cry. Sometimes I try to because I feel it would make everything better but it never comes out. I have trust issues and sometimes I am very paranoid for example in the street I sometimes think people are waiting to kill me or kidnap me or if someone looks at me I feel as if they know I am feeling scared or anxious and it really confuses me. And with the trust issues for a long time I have felt that I do not want marriage or children and I have very few 'friends'. To be honest I only have one proper friend the rest don't really bother with me 99% of the time. But I feel that everyone else has loads of friends or people they can trust and I just feel so different from everyone else all of the time. They seem to go on living their lives or reality and I am just stuck in this bubble of misery and confusion. I don't know what's going on most of the time inside of me. I don't know if it is normal to feel so normal one minute then the next as if my heart is all of a sudden just gone and I feel as if I'm a living statue. For the past week I have been feeling very down again (like when I was 16). I self harm and then I feel so guilty because of it. I feel so empty or dead inside so much so sick of not feeling anything and so trying to hurt myself seems to be the only way I actually feel something, even if it is through pain. Its as if I am just existing and not actually living.

Sorry this is so long I just can't talk to anyone about this it's too hard and I don't know if it's depression, cyclothymia or bipolar or anything. I'm so confused and I'm worried and want some answers please. Thanks for listening it really means a lot to me I feel so alone and sad and would like to talk to someone about it.

Bloojhay
April 9th, 2012, 04:19 PM
I'm not a professional, so it's not like I can say much in the means of what you might have. It sounds like cyclothymia, but some of the things I've seen make me lean towards bipolar 1, if not the the fact that I can sort of recognize some of that stuff.

I'm only a year younger than you, and I finally got pinned with Bipolar I in November. Spent years switching and clicking through mania and depression to the point that, hell, things literally got out of control. I hate admitting that, but it's the truth. From what I've seen here, you're able to recognize what it right and wrong with your thinking, so I believe now would be a good time to see if you could see someone who could clinically diagnose you, before things get any worse. They might not, but they could. But even now it sounds unpleasant.

Second to the last paragraph gets me the most. There would be many points that I would just emotionally check out, and just...be stuck like that. I spend a good portion of my life sifting between thoughts like, "I’m not afraid and I don’t love and I’m just nothing. I can sit here, shouting, but I’m not even angry! All I have are observations, because I don’t. Feel. Anything. I’m shouting because otherwise you won't be able to hear me. That’s all. I’m not mad. I’m not afraid. I’m not sad. I’m not happy. I’m just saying things." And things like What's going on? Why am I feeling like this? Whywhywhy is there so much feeling, so much everything, why am I drowning?

That's probably just me, but I mean, the general tic still stands. Despite my inner dialogue, it doesn't change the fact that I can recognize what you might be feeling. Even when you're not completely up or down, you're stuck in an awkward middle ground where it feels like you might be potentially be two feet under a microscope, and people can see how you are feeling. It's not like you can tell anyone what you're feeling, because it's just wrong even though it really isn't. It's hollow and it's cold and you're out of place even though you're standing right there.

I don't blame you for that, by the way. I want to tell you to talk to someone like a friend, but you might not. I never did. I couldn't bring myself to admit these things to people I know. The ship started really rocking for me when I was 12 when I downed made a really bad mistake, and things kept building until I was 17 and I crashed completely.

Thing is, I think that if you try and get help, some of these things will get better. Since I was diagnosed in November, I was put on Lithium and Citalopram, and it worked. Things weren't perfect, but it kind of took the edge off...most of the suffocating emotions sort of lifted and my thoughts weren't muddled with these depressive thoughts and feelings. Honestly, the Lithium worked better then I could imagine. (Though I had to be pulled off of it because it was screwing with me physically, internally. ) So I'm on Lamotrigine now, and while it's not working perfectly yet I'm still not up `n down like I was -- how you sound right now. (And I had to drop the citalopram. Guh. Without the lithium counteracting, it was making the manic episodes worse. :I That's my complaint about meds -- it's so experimental. But, kinda worth it when you get it right.)

But, y'know, there are people who are willing to just listen, if that's what you need. Like I said earlier, a lot of the things you describes lean either towards cyclothymia or bipolar I. Just make sure you don't fall far enough that you start carrying out idiotic actions. ♥

Fractured Silhouette
April 9th, 2012, 04:40 PM
The confusion, the impulses, what you just described is my emotional experiences in general. I've been searching for answers this whole time. The confusion just adds to the pain I feel. My thoughts are always conflicting. Every time I think I have an answer, doubt fills my mind and I think "no it can't be that".

Look, I don't know you, I don't think I ever will. But what you just described is the closest thing I've seen to what I feel. I'm 16, I sleep 2-3 hours a day, I'm still full of energy. I hate social interaction in general, even this forum makes me think that everyone hates me. You say you felt better at 17? I'm not so sure I'll last until then. Music and SH are the only things keeping me going. I do, however feel glad that someone else on this damned planet feels/felt something similar.

AS to what it could be, I've made thousands of theories. They all make sense at the time. Then lose sense afterwards.

Bi-polar? Social Anxiety? Depression? GAD?

I could never diagnose anyone, with anything because it all makes sense and no sense all at once or not at all.